Random...

Do you know that... ...

"Ignoring someone's existence is as good as a life sentence imprisonment"

"Faking nonchalant means a bleeding heart whenever I smiles"

"When you think it is of the best interests for someone, you have already caged her up"

"Sometimes, to demolish and rebuild is the best solution, if other methods failed.  It may not be a guaranteed positive outcome, but rather than lurking in that dead corner, I would rather choose destruction.  Even if it means breaking someone's heart, crush it to none, then use time and patience to rebuild that faith."

My not-so random thoughts
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I was going through some ancient emails, and I came across this Youtube link.  Someone whom I know many years back sent me this.  He has seen me cried so many times, and each time I had also turned down his kindness when he offered me his shoulders.

He emailed me a few quotes once: "I realised I have given her the right to hurt me when I said I love her" and "趁我还爱你， 你是否可以不要错过我?”(Can you treasure me while I am still in love with you?).

I replied his email with "很多时候说出来的话语可能都是假的" (Words spoken may not be real at times).  That was in Year 2007. 

Someone whom I could not recall, and never cross my mind until I came across his emails today...  I hope he is happy where ever he is now.  If I do meet him again, I will be telling him "很多时候说出来的话语可能都是假的, 但一起经历的事与物才是真的！(Words spoken may not be real at times, but encounters and memories shared will always be real)".

I could totally feel the hurt he felt years ago.

Year 2012 - I will be re-freezing my heart again.

Galaxy

Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus.  True?

Definitely!  Different element compositions found on the two planets, chemical reactions bound to be explosive and destructive in some situations.  If yours and yours' truly are non-reactive, then you may wish to explore some other planets in the galaxy.

Well, I am not in the mood to write about love relationships.  Look elsewhere, or if you need help, just gimme a call, I will be able to hook you up with another Aunt Agony.  Yes, I quit being Aunt Agony!

Astrologically Venus is retrograding (means moving backwards in the orbit path) this season, from May 15 till June 27.  All matters concerning appearances, finances, official contracts and affairs of the heart will be taking a backstage at the moment.  Come to think of it, I trimmed my hair on the May 15, which kind of explains why I am not satisfied with it.  Ya ya ya, I am always unhappy when it comes to my locks of hair.  Maybe I should just do a face off just to simplify the matter... Plastic surgery?  Or can I just have a change of identity please?

Jupiter is my guardian planet, the planet of good fortune, which seems to deprive me of all things that I love recently.  With a series of events happening, I have been given an opportunity to take on a bystander view or broader view of my life, it is a good chance to set things right and put them in the right perspective.  Teething stage is always tough, it may even come across as painful, not just to me but for the people around me as well.  I have chosen my way, and I do not need any permission from anyone, for I am absolutely capable of being responsible for my own actions and decisions. 

I have friends that loves me, and buddies that treats me like *ahem* princess.  For them, I must not be afraid to fall! 

Celebrating Friendship

I have known my Buddy since my sweet sixteen.  He is one gem who has unconditionally find time to check on my well-being from time to time, who is always awake at weird timings to reply my wee morning sms-es, someone who will drop his work aside, just to meet me for a one-hour lunch, at my very last minute request. Yes, I am that "spoilt", but I do not do it often!

Our friendship goes a long way back, surprisingly not much during JC times, but it all started during our Uni days, despite having different backgrounds, being in different schools, a few phone calls, and only meet up once a year for dinner.  He has been in and out of relationships, and I had never met any of his 3 ex-girlfriends, not even his current girlfriend.  I am sure our JC friends cannot ever imagine that it is possible for us to even start a "buddy-ship".

How strange!  I have spent half my lifetime knowing him!

I remembered when I was hospitalised in TTSH, and was so afraid in my B2 ward, nurses were rushing in and out of the ward, elders were moaning in pain.  That moment I felt the frailness of life, and was practically weeping uncontrollably into my pillow, it just took me a sms, and he responded like a life-line, and after a few hours of sms-ing, eventually I managed to fall asleep. 

To him, I am always stubborn yet vulnerable, and he knows too well that I am a blur sotong with plenty of weird notions.  I think he will continue to let me be what I wanna be, and he will just be patient with me, like a daddy to a child, whenever I start crying for help.



Jaded

Once in a while, I do get depression attacks.  In fact, little people knows that I actually suffered from depression more than a decade ago.  Sometimes nasty things just fell upon you, and you are left to cope with it alone.  Probably that is just a natural phase of growing up.  For me, I just have to accept the fact that I am tasked to shoulder more than normal individuals, no matter in which phases of life.

Looking back, life is just about conforming to social roles, living up to parents' expectations, going through the common stages just like everyone else.  So what happens when you start questioning your inner self?  Everything just dissolves into nothing, and you hear a small despair voice saying "nothing is real, just illusions!" 

Do I really wanted to be the person I am today?  I am so unsure whether is this the person that I wanted to be.  I am uncertain... My friends believed that I am a good natured girl, but I have a fiery temper hidden within me.  Will they still love me when they see the real me?  Or is there even a real me at all?

I believed she loves me (still), and not willing to let go (yet), but her love is too toxic for me, always in the name of protecting me, she has taught me to be wary, be suspicious of human nature, to visualise the every possible worst outcome in every situations.  She has locked me in a tower of hatred, fear and unhappiness, telling me the treacherousness outside the tower.  I had been a quietly rebellious child, a troubled teenager, a silent adolescent, and a lonely workaholic adult. 

Now that the spell has been broken.  I looked deep inside, and there is no ounce of sunshine left in me.  I need to lift those heavy binds, clean up the dusty windows to let in the sun.  

I need to rebuild that faith.

Jad-ed: worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.

1st week....

So many times I gave in to my emotions, broke down and wept amidst of the crowd: in the bus, MRT, office, pantry, washroom, on the roads...

Given no other circumstances, I have been forced to learn to accept "what-is-meant-to-be" gracefully.  But can I deem and equate that as being lack of will?

The knot in my chest is gonna take a while to ease.

Sad Sunday

I woke up wide-eyed, and silently start weeping like I used to do so.  The sense of loneliness engulfed me, and I know my helplessness is back.  Under my blanket, I retreated into my favourite corner of the room, and I wonder when will this ever end? 

My mind is blank, but my heart is heavy.  This is the moment of raw truth.

Life is pain, misery, a cycle that repeat endlessly.  Can I just quit and replay this when I am ready? 

I just wanna leave.