Hidden secrets (Part 1)

You know you are old... ... when your primary school classmates re-surfaced after eon years.

You know you are old... ... when all the bitter memories overwhelmed you when you try to recall them.

You know you are old... ... when you hope that the past mischiefs laid hidden in the closet.

I never really enjoy my first schooling experience: that painful period lasted a good whole 6 years. I was an awkward kid with lots of hidden secrets and heavy burdens. I was old for my age, and I was an outcast, be it socially or academically.

I was unhappy.

I know that it was never anyone's fault that I have been forced to grow up quickly. Because of that, I understand human behaviour much earlier than my peers, I lost faith in others, I learnt not to trust anyone, and I have my reservations towards all good happenings. I grew up ruminating in dark corners.

Kids are the most innocent beings, and they could be easily mould by adults. The stark contrast: I grew up pessimistically, while other grew up arrogant and confident. They were mean with their words, and I could still remember the exact words. That smirked face. That jeered tone.

To that classmate whom I remember as an accomplished B_tCh at a tender age of 10 years old;
Why am I inferior to you?
What gave you the rights to torment me with your arrogance?
Who the hell do you think you are to inflict me with such pain?
How dare you try to influence my peers to look at me the same way you did?
Just because I was poor, I was slow in learning, and I was ugly compared to you?

To that teacher whom I still can remember how the "snake brand power" smelled on her shrivelled hands;
Just because the whole class lost the fund-raising due to my meagre donation?
Just because my mother doesn't speak english?
Just because I am not as bootlicking as those kids who knows how to suck up at you?
You failed as a teacher.

I went to bed with quiet tears, and unspoken fears.

I grew up mis-understood.

All those years, my mother thought I was a problem child, rebellious and filled with anger. I was always screamed at for causing problems in school. I never told my mother the truth, for the truth will break her. I am the inconsiderate, bad daughter.

The past is back to haunt me, and I realised I had never let go... I just pretended all these never exist.

My wounds are hurting once more, those thorns that I had buried deep within me has tear through my flesh.

Axeman

Just as I pray that work-life has resumed peacefulness, I was wrong. I had been through an eventful May, and a laborious June.  With the temporary manpower allocation, I thought I can finally shift my focus back to managerial work for the month of July. 

Yes, I am losing my precious sleep again.

When I finally gotten rid of a pest in May, the same breed started its infestation again. Never in my 5 years of managerial life have I seen someone so full of excuses, and full of lame dramas. To set the records right, I very much hated soap dramas, so could you please bring your props and stage elsewhere (thank you very much!).

Those who know me well, would have realised that I have no strong likes for anything but if I do expressed my utmost dislike, it must have irk me thoroughly.

Firstly, let's not confuse me as your surrogate mother. Much as I sympathise towards your plight, I am still your boss. I have exhausted my personal and corporate means to help you out, and I have run out of patience for you.

Secondly, this is my career that you are gambling with. Stop lying, and making up excuses to cover up for your tardiness! When you are paid with a salary, unexcused absences are just plain unacceptable.

Thirdly, I am angry with myself. (Damn it) I am in the midst of being upset with you, and yet I am still worried that you will commit suicide. Why must you put me through such a dilemma? For professionalism sake, I need to make a rational corporate decision, and yet I am bothered about your weak will to live.

At this moment, I recalled what my ex-boss told me "a professional must do what she must do, and not do what she feels like". I shall just do what I need to do then... ...

Depressing... ...

Deceased 1: 80 year old male, expired on 18 June
Deceased 2: 50 year old female, expired on 19 June
Deceased 3: 64 year old male, expired on 26 June
Deceased 2: 29 year old female, expired on 27 June
Deceased 4: 66 year old female, expired on 30 June
Deceased 5: 33 year old female, expiring...

Each of them had a story:- school principal, young medical student, a member of parliment in his native country, ex-sportsman. Some fought bravely against their disease for as long as 10 years, some fearful to make any decision and chosen to wither away. Some hang on hoping to get married and become a doctor eventually. While the others blame the consultants and the medical researchers for doing a shabby work.

Live life to the fullest. Face death courageously. Seriously, how many of us can do just that?

RIP!