Evil Twin

There is a huge character flaw which i refused to admit. That fiendish streak in me, is a friend i adopted when i was 7... "She" sits on my right shoulder, whispering snide remarks into my ear, and stirs my blood to boil. Because of her, i become a perpetual pain seeker (a ruminator:- one that turns a matter over and over in the mind), and a worrisome control freak (but I'm not a perfectionist).

Bedroom is the sanctuary which i seek refuge in, knowing that's the only way to better manage my thoughts when I'm alone. I demand for my space, my rights, and undivided attention, which make me a 100% fiend. I'm 50% devilish, 20% manic, 30% nonchalant to total strangers and enemies. Of course i can feel love as well, it's just that I'm sceptical about it, hence not receptive towards it. But once you got me convinced, it's total devotion.

I'm not condemning my evil twin thou, she does have her merits. Because of her, I'm caution & conscious, she's good at building protective barriers, hence the less tendency to get hurt when others sneak up to attack me. She's intuitive, resulting that I'm able to second guess any ill intentions. Many happy returns my dear twin!

Do you have an evil twin too? *wink*

Something to think over... ...

Yesterday seems like another graduation day for me, it's just that I'm without the proper gear (graduation gown and cap). But this time i have only 1 fellow supportive comrade with me.

How do i feel? Would you believe me if i tell you i felt nothing?

So many years in a company, i know i am insignificant, and no where near any success.

Confucius said "Success depends upon previous preparation, and without such preparation there is sure to be failure".

I have seen so many people working hard and preparing themselves ahead, and yet success never came knocking on their doors. Do i fear that it will happen to me as well? That crosses my mind so very often, i am constantly preparing myself to accept failures and disappointments (无常), so that when it does happen, i can accept it calmly with poise. After all, not everyone is destined to succeed. I was only an ok student, never the cream of the crop, so i should be contented with what i have now.

Perhaps there's no need to insist on anything, if I'm not fated to have it, God must have other plans for me. Or maybe that someone did more merits, and deserves it more than me. Surely i will have it the next round, as one must always be hopeful.

There's this saying which i wholeheartedly believe in "you gain some, you lose some" (有得, 必有失). Learn how to take glory and defeat humbly with a pinch of salt.

Flu-ly

Gosh! I have been seriously sick the past 3 days.

Nose super blocked, feeling feverish but no abnormally high temperature, minor sore throat. I kept drifting in and out of sleep, and was barely awake for more than 5 hours. Was on 2 days MC but went back to work today *sObz* Nobody sayang me de. My boss said it's ok for me to "faint on the carpet" flooring. Fine!

My mum keep asking me whether did we contracted H1N1, oh my goodness, so cute de my mum. I only managed to stop her by threatening to call for an ambulance to send her to the hospital as "suspected H1N1 case"... but i know she'll start doing it all over again tomorrow. *siGh*

I can feel the medicine working now, i better go tuck myself into bed. Goodnight! *mUacks*

Project Tranformation (E.T to Princess)

Gosh, i nearly had a nervous breakdown today.

Posing in front of 4 persons (1 lady and 3 guys), was no easy feat at all. LWC is a joyful and bubbly lady who is my fellow colleague from another department. While Larry is my makeup artist, who is so young, so full of live, and full of attitude in him. The other 2 guys are the photography crew, both shy but possesses funny and lovable humour that are so infectious.

First Larry need to make me look presentable, major re-construction ok! Larry put me at ease immediate, he's such a sweet person, shared plenty of makeup tips with me, and how he truly felt about the beauty industry.

It has been a long time since i met someone with a real temperament, he's a "i-dare-you" sweetie, so cute with his "I don't give-a-F***-if you-don't like-what-I've-said" behaviour. That is such an endearing trait. Come on, do we seriously need to have 98% of the world population behaving like they have been programmed to become Mr/Miss Congeniality?

Do visit his blog at http://makeupbanter.blogspot.com/ , he is so generous with the makeup application techniques, and plenty of product reviews. Top recommendation. Let me know if you need his contact number, he does makeup for all various events, have a look at his portfolio at www.flickr.com/photos/yeo_1978.

Let's digress a bit, Larry told me Asians are supposed to have rounder/fuller face, because of the fatty tissues beneath the skin, but God is fair, as Asians tend to age slower cause of them as well. So Chubby Face aka Nian Yuan Yuan is actually a good thing for me =).

Once the makeup and hair done, then comes the scary part. I can't freeze that smile (Hey, i already said i can't smile de) *fAint* It was so challenging for the 2 photographers, one of them kept saying "I don't believe there is anyone who can't smile". Luckily they are patience enough, and Larry the supermodel together with the rest, kept encouraging me. In the end, I'm thankful that it turned out to be an unforgettable experience. The official poster will be out in November, i hope the end product turns out all right *cross fingers*

Thanks LWC for offering me this once in a lifetime chance to do this photo shot (thanks to my bosses too). Superbly grateful to Larry for making me a pretty princess, and a thousand apologizes to the photography crew, I'm really not an easy object to shoot (oh wow, that doesn't sound right, doesn't it?) muahahah...

Mirror mirror, tell me a lie

I have many fears and phobias, in fact too many to name, yes (i admit) I'm a scary cat!

Unlike girls and ladies of all ages, I'm suffering from Spectrophobia - a fear of mirrors and one's own reflections. Must be those scary movies which i watched when i was young, where reflection was actually left behind in the mirror long after the person is gone. I'm comfortable only with objects that reflect my image without any colour. Don't ask me why.

I avoid mirrors and cameras at all cost. I look awful on photos, those stupid pictures magnified my (FAT!) chubby face, zoomed into my flaws (pimply zombie complexion), and it really add ages to my already old and sagging face. Trust me, this phobia runs in the family, across generations, none of us loves to take pictures.

Tell me, how stupid is it to smile at that tiny weeny rectangular box, how can i be natural when i know that the camera doesn't love me? Stop telling me to loosen up and think happy thoughts, I simply can't think straight when a camera is within 5 metres radius from my comfort zone. It's absolute hatred between me and camera, it failed to capture the truth about others, and it generously exposes my faults.

Last week, i nearly fainted when i received an (super duper scary) edict. Just when i barely recovered from the previous one, this latest one resulted in rapid heart palpitation for almost half a day. My heart is of a smaller built-in, irregular heart beats always makes me see "stars".

Oh my goodness! Arghhh, I'm breaking out in cold sweats now... ...

Entertainment on the go

Today, I swopped my black PSP (bought in December 2008) for a red PSP. The black one was super un-hackable and un-modifiable.

I'm a non-serious gamer, yes you heard me right, I'm not a serious gamer, so what the hell do i want a PSP for? Well, at first i wanted something that provides me audio and visual entertainment on the go.

I started playing "Maplestory" in Year 2007, but sadly it doesn't keep me occupied for long. Then i took on a new game "Audition", again it does nothing to maintain my interest as well. It's been a year since i last logged in to both games.

This new PSP is full of different genres of games, but most of the games (i.e. wrestling, mahjong, shooting) doesn't interest me much. However, it is a source of comfort when i need to de-stress, you can easily find me hiding in Starbucks with my favourite "Blackcurrant Raspberry Blended Drink", gaming away to divert my mind away from work during lunch time.

Since the hefty investment has been made, and there are already some scratches at the back. That goes to show that I haven't been shelving it. Hopefully it doesn't become obsolete to me that soon.

Candidacy for politics

No chance for a breather until today, well you see, I'm on 3 days leave! *yeah*

Too little time everyday and yet so much unhappiness.

Strangely how people always keep themselves busy to stop remembering those unpleasant incidents. Isn't this a kind of self-denial behaviour? Maybe it works temporarily, but is it good to shelve those negative feelings, and not address it properly?

Many kind souls out there chosen to swallow their grievousness, so as to avoid any unnecessary conflicts with others, but this accumulated negative emotions will also turn inwards and exploded in within.

Why are we giving in to bullies? Why must the bullies, again and again, taking advantage of our good natured character? Just because we embrace peace and harmony, doesn't mean you have the privilege to drive us up the wall!

Last month was a miserable month at workplace. In fact, I'm still suffering from unreasonable tantrums, unjustifiable behaviours and stares from "someone".

"Someone" is throwing her weight around coz she's on close term with my boss's lieutenant, who is again actually "Nobody". Let's set the record straight, I was on friendly terms with "Somebody" until recently, that's when i decided i could no longer tolerate her inhumane threats and her hostile criticism towards my fellow colleague.

Just because she has found her resting place to rot, and has been surviving on her limited abilities for the last decade, how can she expect people to stall their progression? I had enough of her threats, just because she's a "supervisor", doesn't mean I'm subjected to her nonsense. She wanted me to drop out from a project "bestowed" by the top management, and told me right in the face that if i insist to go ahead, then i cannot take any MC. What a tall order to fulfill!

When being exposed of her deeds, "Someone" offered fanciful explanations to the top management. She came back with her stony black face (think bloated black toad), and has been unhappy with me since then. Stop hiding behind those deceitful lies. Her deeds speak for themselves.

Of course my ill feelings towards her didn't just happen. I have been tolerating and such anger has been accumulating for years. Just 2 days back, she raised her voice to whoever interested to hear, "You on leave AGAIN!!!", damn you lah (I'm not going to mind my language on such LC creature). My fellow colleague can vouch for me that i haven't been going on leave.

I really see no point in working along with her. I'm not going to give in this time, it's just one time too many, why should i be considerate to someone who has been tactless with my feelings?