Brave

I have been listening to Sara Bareilles "Brave" for a while, and I find it very liberating for my troubled soul, well... it could be an overstatement, probably a song to cheer me up, a sing-along song, something to walk me out of my tangled moments at work.

 

I could just stand up in my office, twirl and turn, with my hands up, of course with no one around. I like the way how the uplifting lyrics speaks to me, sometimes holding back my tongue and my thoughts does not do me any justice.  I hate the aggressive passiveness in me.  I guess it's really to strike a balance, I would rather pain myself than to be blantly truthful, which might hurt others.

 

Well, this song is for you, enjoy :)

 

In case you wanna sing along to it, here are the lyrics;

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just want to see you (x3)
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you (x3)
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you (x3)
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you (x3)
See you be brave

I just wanna see you (x6)

S.O.S please

I have been swarmed by work, and still in the midst of the whirlpool.

Endless negotiation of contracts, and more to come.... Endless meetings and work group discussions to attend..... Endless fire fighting in the clinic.... Endless power struggle within staff to manage....

I have requested to re-organise my portfolio, committing my first career suicide in this organisation (Yes I did that! I still didn't believe that I did thou), because I wanted to concentrate on the big project that is coming my way.  Nevertheless, I got it my way.  After April, I should have a better life ahead I hope, and I really have to make it work.

Haven't been sleeping well, not eating well either.  The amount of stress that I have been feeling has found its way up to my shoulders, and I have been experiencing painful headaches throughout the day, and even into the night, affecting my quality of sleep. I have been trying to replenish my sleep during the weekends, but always ended up waking with a pounding headache.

The month of March will be another tension filled month. Endurance will be put to test.

Growing Growing ... Going to E-x-p-l-o-d-i-n-g

Yes, that is how I have been feeling… I have been gorging myself silly since reunion dinner. I can feel my tummy bulging *sObz* and yet I still persisted in eating tidbits, crackers, pineapple tarts and egg rolls nonstop. It’s like trying to fill up an empty hole, or I have a black hole in my tummy *gasps* This guilt is killing me…

Looking at the rate I was binging the past 2 weeks, I expect my weighting machine to officially explode within the next one week. Then my muffin top aka love handles will become permanent resident, my tummy will bulge, my face will become chubby… and I will look hideous *shriEks*

Just yesterday, I am in my magenta dress, its figure hugging, and I truly felt like a barrel *siGh*. I am in a reluctant state to wear those dresses that I bought just last month. What have I done to myself? Just 14 days of festive season, and I am a gonner... I shall resist ALL temptations, and sleep more, eat less, walk more, drink more water.

If by end Feb, I am still bloated and heavy with my muffin top, then I will seek to detox my system. System Reboot!

不开心。非常不。不非常。

我。纳闷的叹，无奈的烦，反复的转，走不出的慌。

感觉。沉重，郁闷，烦躁。

像。冬天的冷，厚厚的雪，重重的身躯，刺痛的呼吸。



*************



有一种恨铁不成钢，怀才不遇的怄。

竟然败在独裁主义，阿谀奉承，无可理喻，非逻辑的制度下。

秀才遇到兵，有理说不清。



*************



女人堆，心眼多，是非多，动作多，荷尔蒙失调而坏脾气，男子气概之辈不可咽。

女人堆，没主见，没远见，没气魄，没诚信，荷尔蒙失调而没思维，无女子之德。

Who cares what you think of me?

I have again resume my job searching, not in an active mode, but I guess I could afford to check out market rate and plan my next move.  By April 2014, I would be in this current company for a year.  I must admit that I am not used to the flat hierarchy.

I can't help disliking the toxic environment that those women are creating, it is always difficult when the ratio of female outnumbered the males, it's even difficult when the organisation has only 130 headcount. I never work well with women, I always find them petty when it comes to minor issues, mostly ruled by emotions and not level headedness enough.  Just a simple issue and it can be made a mountain out of a molehill, all thanks to those empty vessels.

I attended a course earlier this month, and the lecturer told me in private, "Jo, I was thinking to myself that "Wow! This girl has very strong resilience" when I see you sitting quietly in the class.  I am a psychologist, and I observed everyone, do you know that when you are so strong in resilient, that you actually intimidate people?"

I was caught dumbfound, because he really understood my plight.  People always think that I am confident and not an easy character to deal with, so I am perceived as unapproachable and unfriendly to most.

Men enjoy working with me, because I think big, and no small actions coming from me when it comes to work.  But women thinks that men like to work with me for every wrong reasons.  I am not the one oozing sex appeal, be it deliberately or unintentionally, I am unlike some woman who self-declared as a sexy siren, but in reality, men thinks that she is fat, ugly from head to toe, and lousy character inside out, and top it off with a foul mouth.

My boss is a forty-plus spinster, who really irks everyone to the max.  She is the worst communicator around, and lacks the graciousness.  Someone who cannot differentiate work life and personal life. Whatever it is, she has been a bad example, one that I promise myself that I will not ever be. Let's not be angry when people say that Women are lousy superiors, I can voucher for that, and I will strive not to be like one of them.

Whatever it is, learn as much as I can, accumulate as much experience as I can, then exit to a higher grounds.  There is really a limit to my tolerance towards nonsensical hormonal monsoon.

Back me up

I am suffering from intense back pain since the start of December.  Recently it has worsen so rapidly that I could hardly straighten my back.  My bed is the most desirable thing on earth, and it holds such seduction that I think of it throughout the day, but waking up in it is the most back breaking experience ever.

Prior to that I already had 2 occasions of sever upper left thigh pain, which I could easily relate and blame my heels for it.  This job requires me to walk around frequently, and I have already worn out 3 pairs of flats, and 2 pairs of heels to date.

My TCM sinseh told me that it could be due to overwork, a result due to accumulative stress, which I guess could be part of the reasons, and so I have been warned not to wear any heels until this backache saga is over.  I have been given no physical therapy, just medication to consume, hopefully it will go off in a week's time.

OK, all these sitting up is killing me again. Gotta go :)

WTF

If you ever experienced working for a spinster, who loves to have people boot-licking her, and change decisions based on her hormonal monsoon. You will understand how I feel.

She will be normal for a week, then abnormal for another week, then cranky for the next week, finally explosive for the last week. She has a lousy dictionary that limits her choice of words, and yet she wants to slang like an "Ang Mo", or rather a Caucasian. For someone so small, she speaks like a bullet train, and in a haste to derail anyone's thoughts.

She is so unsuccessful that she has blurred the line between colleagues and friendship. Hanging out with boot-lickers over the weekend, just because she is single and has no activities to tide her through her loneliness, only makes her pathetic.

That piece of sh*t who does not know her place, please for goodness sake, look into the freaking mirror... if you are disgustingly obese like Barney, please do not force others to say you are beautiful. Once of courtesy, people will agree but could barely hide their contempt. For a 30 year old, please do not sing cutesy songs and shake your ugly butt, you are scaring the kids! &$@$%#$^

Common logic does not work in an unstructured organisation.
Common logic is not applicable to people who suffers from hormonal dysfunction.
Common logic simply slides off greasy fat ass.

NO wonder newcomers don't last long. I want to GET OUT too!

If we cannot be friends, then be professional - colleagues.