You know you are old... ... when your primary school classmates re-surfaced after eon years.
You know you are old... ... when all the bitter memories overwhelmed you when you try to recall them.
You know you are old... ... when you hope that the past mischiefs laid hidden in the closet.
I never really enjoy my first schooling experience: that painful period lasted a good whole 6 years. I was an awkward kid with lots of hidden secrets and heavy burdens. I was old for my age, and I was an outcast, be it socially or academically.
I was unhappy.
I know that it was never anyone's fault that I have been forced to grow up quickly. Because of that, I understand human behaviour much earlier than my peers, I lost faith in others, I learnt not to trust anyone, and I have my reservations towards all good happenings. I grew up ruminating in dark corners.
Kids are the most innocent beings, and they could be easily mould by adults. The stark contrast: I grew up pessimistically, while other grew up arrogant and confident. They were mean with their words, and I could still remember the exact words. That smirked face. That jeered tone.
To that classmate whom I remember as an accomplished B_tCh at a tender age of 10 years old;
Why am I inferior to you?
What gave you the rights to torment me with your arrogance?
Who the hell do you think you are to inflict me with such pain?
How dare you try to influence my peers to look at me the same way you did?
Just because I was poor, I was slow in learning, and I was ugly compared to you?
To that teacher whom I still can remember how the "snake brand power" smelled on her shrivelled hands;
Just because the whole class lost the fund-raising due to my meagre donation?
Just because my mother doesn't speak english?
Just because I am not as bootlicking as those kids who knows how to suck up at you?
You failed as a teacher.
I went to bed with quiet tears, and unspoken fears.
I grew up mis-understood.
All those years, my mother thought I was a problem child, rebellious and filled with anger. I was always screamed at for causing problems in school. I never told my mother the truth, for the truth will break her. I am the inconsiderate, bad daughter.
The past is back to haunt me, and I realised I had never let go... I just pretended all these never exist.
My wounds are hurting once more, those thorns that I had buried deep within me has tear through my flesh.
Just as I pray that work-life has resumed peacefulness, I was wrong. I had been through an eventful May, and a laborious June. With the temporary manpower allocation, I thought I can finally shift my focus back to managerial work for the month of July.
Yes, I am losing my precious sleep again.
When I finally gotten rid of a pest in May, the same breed started its infestation again. Never in my 5 years of managerial life have I seen someone so full of excuses, and full of lame dramas. To set the records right, I very much hated soap dramas, so could you please bring your props and stage elsewhere (thank you very much!).
Those who know me well, would have realised that I have no strong likes for anything but if I do expressed my utmost dislike, it must have irk me thoroughly.
Firstly, let's not confuse me as your surrogate mother. Much as I sympathise towards your plight, I am still your boss. I have exhausted my personal and corporate means to help you out, and I have run out of patience for you.
Secondly, this is my career that you are gambling with. Stop lying, and making up excuses to cover up for your tardiness! When you are paid with a salary, unexcused absences are just plain unacceptable.
Thirdly, I am angry with myself. (Damn it) I am in the midst of being upset with you, and yet I am still worried that you will commit suicide. Why must you put me through such a dilemma? For professionalism sake, I need to make a rational corporate decision, and yet I am bothered about your weak will to live.
At this moment, I recalled what my ex-boss told me "a professional must do what she must do, and not do what she feels like". I shall just do what I need to do then... ...
Deceased 1: 80 year old male, expired on 18 June
Deceased 2: 50 year old female, expired on 19 June
Deceased 3: 64 year old male, expired on 26 June
Deceased 2: 29 year old female, expired on 27 June
Deceased 4: 66 year old female, expired on 30 June
Deceased 5: 33 year old female, expiring...
Each of them had a story:- school principal, young medical student, a member of parliment in his native country, ex-sportsman. Some fought bravely against their disease for as long as 10 years, some fearful to make any decision and chosen to wither away. Some hang on hoping to get married and become a doctor eventually. While the others blame the consultants and the medical researchers for doing a shabby work.
Live life to the fullest. Face death courageously. Seriously, how many of us can do just that?
Today, I proudly announced to the world that I am no longer a PMT (Princess with Metal Teeth). I am now officially PwR (Princess with Retainers) for good, on 16 April 2014 at 12:35.
This is a huge milestone for me: the journey started since 7th July 2012; from the consultations with a dentist (removal of wisdom tooth) and an Orthodontics (the fixing of brackets). I have survived the 21 months by braving through the pain and discomfort.
Of course, I could have ended this torture 4 months back. But I wanted so badly to correct my front teeth mid line, hence my Orthodontics continued this journey patiently with me. Came last week when I realised that I really had no choice but to give up my pursue, because the next procedure seem unsafe and will eventually add more stress to my body. I was determined to proceed with the "metal screw" procedure: a metal screw is to be drilled into my bones, so that I can "pull" my front teeth to the left by another 1 to 2 mm.
However, this metal screw procedure only holds a 50% chance for success, it may not stay put in the bones, and I need to go through GA (General Anesthesia) for it. After consulting my primary doctor, and a few others, I have painfully decided not to proceed any further. Just like what my Orthodontics had said, "sometimes we just have to live with imperfection". He was kind enough to console me that empirical studies has shown that "only a difference of 4mm and above, then others will be able to observed the mid line is "off" the mark".
Anyway, I will have to wear my transparent retainer day and night, for 6 months. After which, I shall only wear them at night time for the rest of my life. Wearing retainers is something that I have to do religiously, if not my teeth may shift back to its original state, wasting the past 21 months' effort.
Oh well, April 16 is a day I shall remember :) Thank you, Dr. Henry Ho, for giving me something to smile for the rest of my life!
Heard this song when I was watching 'Despicable Me 2" in the theatre last year. Gru, the ex-super villain, was dancing to this song when he was basking in the air of love. It's kinda catchy and it grew on me. Took me awhile to find this song, and I super-like the lyrics. This song never fails to make me smile and I could get up from my seat and dance happily to it (Again, when no one is around me)
We each have our own definitions of "happiness", and envision them differently. Embrace that differences, and please do not insist on others to believe and to lead what you think is good for them.
Clap along with Pharrell Williams, and listen to the lyrics closely.
P.S. Make sure you enjoy the full 7 minutes ya *wiNk*
I have been listening to Sara Bareilles "Brave" for a while, and I find it very liberating for my troubled soul, well... it could be an overstatement, probably a song to cheer me up, a sing-along song, something to walk me out of my tangled moments at work.
I could just stand up in my office, twirl and turn, with my hands up, of course with no one around. I like the way how the uplifting lyrics speaks to me, sometimes holding back my tongue and my thoughts does not do me any justice. I hate the aggressive passiveness in me. I guess it's really to strike a balance, I would rather pain myself than to be blantly truthful, which might hurt others.
Well, this song is for you, enjoy :)
In case you wanna sing along to it, here are the lyrics;
You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do When they settle ‘neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just want to see you (x3) I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you (x3) I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy Fallen for the fear And done some disappearing, Bow down to the mighty Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence Won’t do you any good, Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you (x3) I wanna see you be brave
I have been swarmed by work, and still in the midst of the whirlpool.
Endless negotiation of contracts, and more to come.... Endless meetings and work group discussions to attend..... Endless fire fighting in the clinic.... Endless power struggle within staff to manage....
I have requested to re-organise my portfolio, committing my first career suicide in this organisation (Yes I did that! I still didn't believe that I did thou), because I wanted to concentrate on the big project that is coming my way. Nevertheless, I got it my way. After April, I should have a better life ahead I hope, and I really have to make it work.
Haven't been sleeping well, not eating well either. The amount of stress that I have been feeling has found its way up to my shoulders, and I have been experiencing painful headaches throughout the day, and even into the night, affecting my quality of sleep. I have been trying to replenish my sleep during the weekends, but always ended up waking with a pounding headache.
The month of March will be another tension filled month. Endurance will be put to test.
Yes, that is how I have been feeling… I have been gorging myself silly since reunion dinner. I can feel my tummy bulging *sObz* and yet I still persisted in eating tidbits, crackers, pineapple tarts and egg rolls nonstop. It’s like trying to fill up an empty hole, or I have a black hole in my tummy *gasps* This guilt is killing me…
Looking at the rate I was binging the past 2 weeks, I expect my weighting machine to officially explode within the next one week. Then my muffin top aka love handles will become permanent resident, my tummy will bulge, my face will become chubby… and I will look hideous *shriEks*
Just yesterday, I am in my magenta dress, its figure hugging, and I truly felt like a barrel *siGh*. I am in a reluctant state to wear those dresses that I bought just last month. What have I done to myself? Just 14 days of festive season, and I am a gonner... I shall resist ALL temptations, and sleep more, eat less, walk more, drink more water.
If by end Feb, I am still bloated and heavy with my muffin top, then I will seek to detox my system. System Reboot!
I have again resume my job searching, not in an active mode, but I guess I could afford to check out market rate and plan my next move. By April 2014, I would be in this current company for a year. I must admit that I am not used to the flat hierarchy.
I can't help disliking the toxic environment that those women are creating, it is always difficult when the ratio of female outnumbered the males, it's even difficult when the organisation has only 130 headcount. I never work well with women, I always find them petty when it comes to minor issues, mostly ruled by emotions and not level headedness enough. Just a simple issue and it can be made a mountain out of a molehill, all thanks to those empty vessels.
I attended a course earlier this month, and the lecturer told me in private, "Jo, I was thinking to myself that "Wow! This girl has very strong resilience" when I see you sitting quietly in the class. I am a psychologist, and I observed everyone, do you know that when you are so strong in resilient, that you actually intimidate people?"
I was caught dumbfound, because he really understood my plight. People always think that I am confident and not an easy character to deal with, so I am perceived as unapproachable and unfriendly to most.
Men enjoy working with me, because I think big, and no small actions coming from me when it comes to work. But women thinks that men like to work with me for every wrong reasons. I am not the one oozing sex appeal, be it deliberately or unintentionally, I am unlike some woman who self-declared as a sexy siren, but in reality, men thinks that she is fat, ugly from head to toe, and lousy character inside out, and top it off with a foul mouth.
My boss is a forty-plus spinster, who really irks everyone to the max. She is the worst communicator around, and lacks the graciousness. Someone who cannot differentiate work life and personal life. Whatever it is, she has been a bad example, one that I promise myself that I will not ever be. Let's not be angry when people say that Women are lousy superiors, I can voucher for that, and I will strive not to be like one of them.
Whatever it is, learn as much as I can, accumulate as much experience as I can, then exit to a higher grounds. There is really a limit to my tolerance towards nonsensical hormonal monsoon.
I am suffering from intense back pain since the start of December. Recently it has worsen so rapidly that I could hardly straighten my back. My bed is the most desirable thing on earth, and it holds such seduction that I think of it throughout the day, but waking up in it is the most back breaking experience ever.
Prior to that I already had 2 occasions of sever upper left thigh pain, which I could easily relate and blame my heels for it. This job requires me to walk around frequently, and I have already worn out 3 pairs of flats, and 2 pairs of heels to date.
My TCM sinseh told me that it could be due to overwork, a result due to accumulative stress, which I guess could be part of the reasons, and so I have been warned not to wear any heels until this backache saga is over. I have been given no physical therapy, just medication to consume, hopefully it will go off in a week's time.
OK, all these sitting up is killing me again. Gotta go :)
If you ever experienced working for a spinster, who loves to have people boot-licking her, and change decisions based on her hormonal monsoon. You will understand how I feel.
She will be normal for a week, then abnormal for another week, then cranky for the next week, finally explosive for the last week. She has a lousy dictionary that limits her choice of words, and yet she wants to slang like an "Ang Mo", or rather a Caucasian. For someone so small, she speaks like a bullet train, and in a haste to derail anyone's thoughts.
She is so unsuccessful that she has blurred the line between colleagues and friendship. Hanging out with boot-lickers over the weekend, just because she is single and has no activities to tide her through her loneliness, only makes her pathetic.
That piece of sh*t who does not know her place, please for goodness sake, look into the freaking mirror... if you are disgustingly obese like Barney, please do not force others to say you are beautiful. Once of courtesy, people will agree but could barely hide their contempt. For a 30 year old, please do not sing cutesy songs and shake your ugly butt, you are scaring the kids! &$@$%#$^
Common logic does not work in an unstructured organisation.
Common logic is not applicable to people who suffers from hormonal dysfunction.
Common logic simply slides off greasy fat ass.
NO wonder newcomers don't last long. I want to GET OUT too!
If we cannot be friends, then be professional - colleagues.
Age is just a number, it's the wisdom that matters. Well, I guess I have to admit to that, and hopefully I did gain some wisdom as compared to last year.
For those wishes that didn't come true, I will have to continue working towards them.
Give me the strength to overcome all adversity.
Give me the wisdom to see the good in everything.
Give me the will to forgive my own poor heart.
Give me a chance to make things right.
Give me the grace to accept the pain.
How funny it is when I told myself that I must lose some weight, and the next thing is I landed up falling sick :(
No appetite for anything...
Just drift in and out of sleep for the past one week...
This viral infection is so strong that I keep having frequent fever, and temperature is always ranging above 38 degree celsius. If I am to be a princess, I think sleeping beauty will be a wonderful job fit for me.
加油！to my immune system, please fight hard with the remaining good soldiers.
There is this self-denial, near-end-of-life patient, who used to be an ex-model, has a history of losing family members to cancer, and penniless. Her consultant-in-charge told her to make the journey back to her country quick, if not she will not make it.
We had previously written off her huge medical bills as bad debts, and this time she insisted and imposed on us that she wanted to be admitted. Her request is something we could not agreed with: there is no way you gonna enjoy top medical service with minimum or no payment.
We had to turn her away...
I am one of those who agreed not to take her in...
Although we did provide her another alternative: to be admitted into the restructured hospital for the same procedure, but she refused. Last I heard, she has flew back to her homeland... and I wonder how is she...
Right or Wrong?
It just weighs me down...
There is above middle-class income couple, both are professionally employed, yet they insisted on having discounts... we disagreed to it immediately after reviewing their financial status. But the spouse of the patient insisted to bring this up.
Who needs help more? I thought of her, my heart chills... I stood very firm.
It is not guilt that I am feeling, I clearly knows that... it's the helplessness that my tender heart finds it hard to bear. In the face of others' death, I have to be a professional rational businessman. In the face of death, lifes are lost due to the lack of gold.
Last week was our Joint Commission International (JCI), although it is a tri annual event that lasted for only 2 days, but the preparation for it took us more than 1.5 years.
There was a mock JCI survey on my 3rd day at work, and I have been working endlessly to ensure that my chapters do not have any gaps/loopholes that they could picked on (thankfully they found none). In any case, although the surveyors cited a few findings, but we believe that should not affect our re-accreditation.
During the 2 days, my day started at 5:30am, will be in the hospital by 7:30am, and end work at 8:30pm. I was on my feet most of the time, following the surveyors to round up the wards and clinic, going through more documentation checks and interviewing of staffs. By the time they left, most of us just remain blankly seated in the meeting room, enjoying the quiet state of euphoria.
Post JCI dinner on 25 Oct 2013
I am still trying to recuperate from all those tension and all those walking around. Nothing interest me more than my beauty sleep. I slept soundly on Friday, and only waking up near noon time the following day. There are so many things that I wanted to do now:- appointment to the dentist, facial, medical checkups and TCM, etc...
I haven't seen my dentist for 2 months, and I haven't been keeping up with my rubber band regime, he will not be happy with that for sure. I need to have my facial soon, all these tensions and stress are giving me a dull complexion and a breakout :( Need to see my haematologist soon, for I am sure that my low blood count also contributes to my tiredness as well.
If only I can sleep continuously for 24 hours... I need to take leave soon. I am so missing Thai massage now.... :(
Heard this song while I was on my way to work today, it just made me smile :)
It was just like yesterday, when I was in my secondary school days... when I felt tired, misunderstood, lost, and unhappy...
Back then, this song never fails to get me up and about, and I seriously mean dancing to it, with my spirit lifted, arms wide spread out and twirling around *grin*
It has been years since I last heard this, and when I did, I saw my own reflection (in the MRT glass) grinning the minute I heard the prelude to it.
I love what I see: me happily smiling in my floral dress. Something refreshing for my memory, for I seldom have reasons to smile at myself...
"You Gotta Be" by Des'ree
Listen as your day unfolds Challenge what the future holds Try and keep your head up to the sky Lovers, they may cause you tears Go ahead release your fears Stand up and be counted Don't be ashamed to cry
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together All I know, all I know Love will save the day
Herald what your mother said Read the books your father read Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time Some may have more cash than you Others take a different view My oh my, yeah, eh, eh
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together All I know, all I know Love will save the day
Time ask no questions, it goes on without you Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace The world keeps on spinning Can't stop it, if you tried to The best part is danger staring you in the face
Remember listen as your day unfolds Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky Lovers, they may cause you tears Go ahead release your fears My oh my, eh, eh, eh
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together All I know, all I know Love will save the day Yeah, yeah, yeah
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together All I know, all I know Love will save the day Yeah, yeah
Got to be bold Got to be bad Got to be wise Do what others say Got to be hard Not too, too hard All I know is love will save the day
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm...
I am in a midst of minuting a family conference that took place last month in September. It's a very tiring piece of 90 plus minutes recording.
It is so emotionally draining and mentally taxing, because I have to repeatedly listen to each and single word that was exchanged. Those logical point of view from the medical aspects, and in contrast, the family griefs of losing their loved one; this debate within me gets me upset and unusually down:- I struggled between the roles of a medical professional versus being a daughter.
During the first few months of my new job, I spent some time familiarising medical reports of the patients, I have to admit that each medical history scares me... patients of all ages, medical conditions of all kind, huge financial medical bills, long term treatment versus incurable diseases, all are true and sad stories...
Last month, a patient chosen to ended his life, he was a young and successful entrepreneur. I was not shocked when I heard the news, somehow I could understand why he did that, I could relate to how he felt... but at the same time I wonder if he had made a right decision... did he regret the very instant he took the plunge?
Again I question if he ever consider the feelings of his parents? But who am I to judge? Life is very brittle in nature... I know how it feels to be sick for a long period of time, the vulnerability of life, the loneliness in face of illness, honestly there are also many times that I just thought of giving up, but I still have many things in life that I am thankful of... Or I could be just a pure coward...
No one cheats Life. All is fair in the face of Death.
