I have long suspected that Autism Disorders can be inherited, or it could be influenced by external factors, but I am not sure whether this has been medically proven though. Somehow, the thought of starting a new year stirs the same anxiety again. I am not so worried about getting old (which is not entirely the truth), but rather I am worried about not doing enough. But how much is enough? How much can I offer?
I am feeling a part of me dying away, no matter how much I try to hold onto it, it's slipping away... I have fallen into a dark cold sea, I am not brave enough, and I wanted to give up breathing...
I am tired... but I guess I will have to press on for awhile more...
Heard this song last week, kept having the chorus repeating in my mind... "try to reach out to you, touch my hand, reach out as far as you can"... This reminds me of a dream I had...
I always have this dream of me dropping off from a high building, a cliff, sometimes a ladder, or roll off the stairs. It is a feeling so real that even when I wake up in shock, I can still feel myself stepping into nothing, the free fall sensation, not to mention my heart pumps painfully fast.
I used to hear some old grandmother stories when I was young, they said that when a child experience such a dream, the jerking sensation represents that the child is gaining height. But judging from my height *siGh*, and I still get such a dream once in a while (maybe once every year), I seriously doubt it has anything to do with growing taller. Anyway, in any case, I can always wear heels to compensate for my lack of height.
I always wonder if anyone can stop this fall from happening (in my dreams, of course), it would be nice to have someone to reach out & say (not sing) the chorus, but dreams will always be dreams. I want peaceful nights from now on.
Read it in a magazine some donkey years ago, that a woman is most confident in her thirties, as she has been through love and pain, has a career and a mind of her own.
I was looking forward to it (No! I'm not crazy, coz I was real young back then, thirties seems a long way to go). I always picture myself as a successful career woman, one that is confident and of course, unbeatable.
Having being defeated by life itself, looking back to all those dreams that I had painted, sadly none came true. I should have known that I am not a favourite candidate of life, and wake up from that foolish dream.
Now, I could never fathom why on earth would an aging woman be confident about herself. Career, social status, beauty, fame, health, family and friends are not here to stay. Men can always retain their market value, but sadly women somehow depreciates faster than Thai Bahts.
One can argue that it is a pessimistic view, but you can't changed it anyhow.
I don't seem to have much interest in anything recently, just going along with the flow. Truth be told, a lot of things don't seem to go according to plans. Although I hate the feeling of losing control over things, but I simply just have to learn to let go...
Inside my sanctuary, I know that I have to slow down and stop being a maniac. But when I step right back into reality, I just can't stop myself. Time waits for no one, what will happen if I fail to keep up with the momentum that I have been pacing myself.
Is it age that is catching up on me? Or did my greatest fear finally come knocking on my door? Are there missing pieces waiting to be found? Ironically only time will tell... ...
Well, it has been awhile, in fact a long, long time since my last entry.
I have been madly busy, coping with work, family, health, and now studies... I did thought of letting go of blogging entirely, but I guess this still holds some attraction for me; a private outlet for my anger, fustrations, defeats and uncertainities.
Anyway, I shall try to update more often, and recap the happenings previously (if I have the time). Afterall, one must be forward looking right? No point dwelling in the past. Sometimes I regret wasting time and energy ruminating on meaningless issues. God knows, how much unhappiness that I had hidden within me the past 3 decades.
I shall put forth my faith, aim to let go when necessary, learn to laugh at my mistakes, and learn to forget hurt.
Just like everyone, I have strengths and weaknesses that are uniquely mine. With every step that I take ahead, no more will I look back and regret.
