Who cares what you think of me?

I have again resume my job searching, not in an active mode, but I guess I could afford to check out market rate and plan my next move.  By April 2014, I would be in this current company for a year.  I must admit that I am not used to the flat hierarchy.

I can't help disliking the toxic environment that those women are creating, it is always difficult when the ratio of female outnumbered the males, it's even difficult when the organisation has only 130 headcount. I never work well with women, I always find them petty when it comes to minor issues, mostly ruled by emotions and not level headedness enough.  Just a simple issue and it can be made a mountain out of a molehill, all thanks to those empty vessels.

I attended a course earlier this month, and the lecturer told me in private, "Jo, I was thinking to myself that "Wow! This girl has very strong resilience" when I see you sitting quietly in the class.  I am a psychologist, and I observed everyone, do you know that when you are so strong in resilient, that you actually intimidate people?"

I was caught dumbfound, because he really understood my plight.  People always think that I am confident and not an easy character to deal with, so I am perceived as unapproachable and unfriendly to most.

Men enjoy working with me, because I think big, and no small actions coming from me when it comes to work.  But women thinks that men like to work with me for every wrong reasons.  I am not the one oozing sex appeal, be it deliberately or unintentionally, I am unlike some woman who self-declared as a sexy siren, but in reality, men thinks that she is fat, ugly from head to toe, and lousy character inside out, and top it off with a foul mouth.

My boss is a forty-plus spinster, who really irks everyone to the max.  She is the worst communicator around, and lacks the graciousness.  Someone who cannot differentiate work life and personal life. Whatever it is, she has been a bad example, one that I promise myself that I will not ever be. Let's not be angry when people say that Women are lousy superiors, I can voucher for that, and I will strive not to be like one of them.

Whatever it is, learn as much as I can, accumulate as much experience as I can, then exit to a higher grounds.  There is really a limit to my tolerance towards nonsensical hormonal monsoon.

Back me up

I am suffering from intense back pain since the start of December.  Recently it has worsen so rapidly that I could hardly straighten my back.  My bed is the most desirable thing on earth, and it holds such seduction that I think of it throughout the day, but waking up in it is the most back breaking experience ever.

Prior to that I already had 2 occasions of sever upper left thigh pain, which I could easily relate and blame my heels for it.  This job requires me to walk around frequently, and I have already worn out 3 pairs of flats, and 2 pairs of heels to date.

My TCM sinseh told me that it could be due to overwork, a result due to accumulative stress, which I guess could be part of the reasons, and so I have been warned not to wear any heels until this backache saga is over.  I have been given no physical therapy, just medication to consume, hopefully it will go off in a week's time.

OK, all these sitting up is killing me again. Gotta go :)

WTF

If you ever experienced working for a spinster, who loves to have people boot-licking her, and change decisions based on her hormonal monsoon. You will understand how I feel.

She will be normal for a week, then abnormal for another week, then cranky for the next week, finally explosive for the last week. She has a lousy dictionary that limits her choice of words, and yet she wants to slang like an "Ang Mo", or rather a Caucasian. For someone so small, she speaks like a bullet train, and in a haste to derail anyone's thoughts.

She is so unsuccessful that she has blurred the line between colleagues and friendship. Hanging out with boot-lickers over the weekend, just because she is single and has no activities to tide her through her loneliness, only makes her pathetic.

That piece of sh*t who does not know her place, please for goodness sake, look into the freaking mirror... if you are disgustingly obese like Barney, please do not force others to say you are beautiful. Once of courtesy, people will agree but could barely hide their contempt. For a 30 year old, please do not sing cutesy songs and shake your ugly butt, you are scaring the kids! &$@$%#$^

Common logic does not work in an unstructured organisation.
Common logic is not applicable to people who suffers from hormonal dysfunction.
Common logic simply slides off greasy fat ass.

NO wonder newcomers don't last long. I want to GET OUT too!

If we cannot be friends, then be professional - colleagues.

Happy Returns!

Age is just a number, it's the wisdom that matters.  Well, I guess I have to admit to that, and hopefully I did gain some wisdom as compared to last year.

For those wishes that didn't come true, I will have to continue working towards them.

Give me the strength to overcome all adversity.
Give me the wisdom to see the good in everything.
Give me the will to forgive my own poor heart.
Give me a chance to make things right.
Give me the grace to accept the pain.

Start afresh. Start believing. Start living.

Virus Virus go awaaaayyyyyy~~

How funny it is when I told myself that I must lose some weight, and the next thing is I landed up falling sick :(

No appetite for anything...

Just drift in and out of sleep for the past one week...

This viral infection is so strong that I keep having frequent fever, and temperature is always ranging above 38 degree celsius. If I am to be a princess, I think sleeping beauty will be a wonderful job fit for me.

加油！to my immune system, please fight hard with the remaining good soldiers.

Tug-of-war

There is this self-denial, near-end-of-life patient, who used to be an ex-model, has a history of losing family members to cancer, and penniless. Her consultant-in-charge told her to make the journey back to her country quick, if not she will not make it.

We had previously written off her huge medical bills as bad debts, and this time she insisted and imposed on us that she wanted to be admitted. Her request is something we could not agreed with: there is no way you gonna enjoy top medical service with minimum or no payment.

We had to turn her away...

I am one of those who agreed not to take her in...

Although we did provide her another alternative: to be admitted into the restructured hospital for the same procedure, but she refused. Last I heard, she has flew back to her homeland... and I wonder how is she...

Right or Wrong?

It just weighs me down...

There is above middle-class income couple, both are professionally employed, yet they insisted on having discounts... we disagreed to it immediately after reviewing their financial status. But the spouse of the patient insisted to bring this up.

Who needs help more? I thought of her, my heart chills... I stood very firm.

It is not guilt that I am feeling, I clearly knows that... it's the helplessness that my tender heart finds it hard to bear. In the face of others' death, I have to be a professional rational businessman. In the face of death, lifes are lost due to the lack of gold.

I could barely piece my torn up heart together.

Pressure cooker

Last week was our Joint Commission International (JCI), although it is a tri annual event that lasted for only 2 days, but the preparation for it took us more than 1.5 years.

There was a mock JCI survey on my 3rd day at work, and I have been working endlessly to ensure that my chapters do not have any gaps/loopholes that they could picked on (thankfully they found none).  In any case, although the surveyors cited a few findings, but we believe that should not affect our re-accreditation.

During the 2 days, my day started at 5:30am, will be in the hospital by 7:30am, and end work at 8:30pm.  I was on my feet most of the time, following the surveyors to round up the wards and clinic, going through more documentation checks and interviewing of staffs.  By the time they left, most of us just remain blankly seated in the meeting room, enjoying the quiet state of euphoria.

Post JCI dinner on 25 Oct 2013

I am still trying to recuperate from all those tension and all those walking around.  Nothing interest me more than my beauty sleep. I slept soundly on Friday, and only waking up near noon time the following day.  There are so many things that I wanted to do now:- appointment to the dentist, facial, medical checkups and TCM, etc...

I haven't seen my dentist for 2 months, and I haven't been keeping up with my rubber band regime, he will not be happy with that for sure.  I need to have my facial soon, all these tensions and stress are giving me a dull complexion and a breakout :( Need to see my haematologist soon, for I am sure that my low blood count also contributes to my tiredness as well.

If only I can sleep continuously for 24 hours... I need to take leave soon.  I am so missing Thai massage now.... :(

Good old 90s

Heard this song while I was on my way to work today, it just made me smile :)

It was just like yesterday, when I was in my secondary school days... when I felt tired, misunderstood, lost, and unhappy...

Back then, this song never fails to get me up and about, and I seriously mean dancing to it, with my spirit lifted, arms wide spread out and twirling around *grin*

It has been years since I last heard this, and when I did, I saw my own reflection (in the MRT glass) grinning the minute I heard the prelude to it.

I love what I see: me happily smiling in my floral dress. Something refreshing for my memory, for I seldom have reasons to smile at myself...

 

"You Gotta Be" by Des'ree

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know
Love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, yeah, eh, eh

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know
Love will save the day

Time ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
Can't stop it, if you tried to
The best part is danger staring you in the face

Remember listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds

Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my, eh, eh, eh

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know
Love will save the day
Yeah, yeah, yeah

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know
Love will save the day
Yeah, yeah

Got to be bold
Got to be bad
Got to be wise
Do what others say
Got to be hard
Not too, too hard
All I know is love will save the day

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm...

Bitter pill

I am in a midst of minuting a family conference that took place last month in September.  It's a very tiring piece of 90 plus minutes recording.

It is so emotionally draining and mentally taxing, because I have to repeatedly listen to each and single word that was exchanged.  Those logical point of view from the medical aspects, and in contrast, the family griefs of losing their loved one; this debate within me gets me upset and unusually down:- I struggled between the roles of a medical professional versus being a daughter. 

During the first few months of my new job, I spent some time familiarising medical reports of the patients, I have to admit that each medical history scares me... patients of all ages, medical conditions of all kind, huge financial medical bills, long term treatment versus incurable diseases, all are true and sad stories...

Last month, a patient chosen to ended his life, he was a young and successful entrepreneur.  I was not shocked when I heard the news, somehow I could understand why he did that, I could relate to how he felt... but at the same time I wonder if he had made a right decision... did he regret the very instant he took the plunge?

Again I question if he ever consider the feelings of his parents?  But who am I to judge?  Life is very brittle in nature... I know how it feels to be sick for a long period of time, the vulnerability of life, the loneliness in face of illness, honestly there are also many times that I just thought of giving up, but I still have many things in life that I am thankful of... Or I could be just a pure coward...

No one cheats Life. All is fair in the face of Death.

Fun Filled Month

I always love the easy breezy mood that September brings... but this September just went off in a rush :(

Had 4 vaccines just to prepare myself for the Bangkok trip on the 11 September: Polio, Typhoid fever, Hepatitis A and Flu jab.  As usual, the Flu Vaccine totally crashed my immune system badly, and I was on Medical Leave right after I came back.

Hospital Management Asia 2013 was a wonderful experience:- 2 days full of interesting talks/sessions by renowned doctors and Asia hospital key personnel, over 800 delegates participating throughout the days . Intensively enriching, but also very tiring. Imagine searching for conference rooms within Shangri-La Hotel, up and about, moving around most of the time to network and correspond with other representatives... Thankfully, I rewarded myself with foot massage daily. I didn't do much sightseeing thou, as the conference ends pretty late at 6pm.

Well, I am definitely planning to go back to Bangkok for a leisure trip, maybe sometime next year, you know, just to walk around, laze around, where I could enjoy daily Thai massage, oil spa and foot reflexology :)

Grueling grueling

This has been a horrendous week. 

The pre-MOH licensing on Monday got me up and about, I barely had the time to sit down, and to sashay around in my 3.5 inch heels the full day, totally left me tottering by the end day. Obviously vanity does not pay, especially not when you are under extreme stress.  I went to bed at 10pm, and woke up super tired the next day.

Tuesday was not an easy day as well.  The meeting with the Director Of Nursing, inpatient ward clerks and my Medical Record Office was a fruitful one.  At least I am glad that the ward clerks did not get defensive about their shabby work, maybe it was because I invited their big boss and they decided to zip their mouths up.  Well, I just have to make sure that they deliver what they promised.

Finally I get to do some paper work and planning on Wednesday.  Meeting up with my key division leaders to get updates and to prepare the slides for next Monday presentation.

I always dread Thursday morning.  Somehow I am just worried that either one of my five divisions will come into the spotlight, especially coming from that nasty consultant that likes to pick fault on everything. 

Friday was the launch of the HealthCity Novena, and we were invited to witness the official launch.  It was a coat and tie event, and guess what, the organisers did not prepare enough chairs, and I was standing in my dress suit and heels for the whole of 1 hour. Such imperfection for a meaningful event.

This whole week has been physically draining. Despite me hitting my bed early, but I can never seem to catch up on my sleep.  I slept through my facial this afternoon, and I am still exhausted now. In fact, I can hear my bed calling out to me now... ...

Hectic August

The month of August just went by in a flash!

I made it through my 3 months probation, and I am officially part of the JH management team now. Was waiting anxiously for the news on the 15th, but I guess the preparations for the Annual Board Meeting and the Pre-MOH licensing inspection kept the whole JH occupied.  They have decided on my confirmation long ago, but I was informed only a week later (after the 3 month's dateline), and I haven't formally gone through the evaluation form with my superior yet!  All well, better late than never.

I totally lost track of the countless meetings that I had attended in August, and I really need to get a new organiser or diary for the remaining quarter of the year.  Although I have to agree that meetings are boring, but they indeed make time pass by quickly, and my schedules just filled up with meeting invites, making my calender meaningfully packed.

Had a intense moment during a meeting with the other hospital's management 2 days back.  That demanding Finance lady was pushing her luck, bit by bit cornering my staff into giving in what they wanted.  So I was forced to break my silence, and give it back to her.  The whole meeting room filled with 20 over of their staff versus 3 of ours, and the atmosphere just froze up that instance when I questioned why their work flow wasn't properly done up, and yet expecting us to freely give away our operational secrets. 

I am no stranger to boardroom tensions, I am used to these scenes in the corporate world, so please do not play punk with me.  I couldn't care less.

Please let me sail through the Pre-MOH audit tomorrow smoothly, had a good session attending a press event on Friday.

Looking forward to my Bangkok trip in 2 week's time :)

Boo-boo!

It has been a long time since I had a bad bruise, and I really wasn't aware of it until I was bathing.  It was so badly bruised, that I assumed it must have happened the day before.  There was this excruciating pain when I ran my fingers across the massive bump on my upper left thigh, and it really hurts badly (in fact it still hurts now).

Seriously I don't remember any reason why I would have gotten this bruise.  I could only linked it back to the "Ambulance Audit" visit that I made the day before.  Well you see, I visited our ambulance vendor/partner with my fellow colleagues the previous day.  After our interview with them (to make sure they compliant with our requirements), we then physically surveyed 3 different types of ambulance.  I refused to board on the first two, but I did climb up the ICU ambulance though. 

I do not understand how this could had happened when I (purposely) wore a slightly longer dress with my ballerina flats (hoping to avoid climbing into the vehicle) just for this visit!  After that visit, nothing significant happened till I discovered the bruise... Then on Day 9, I was shocked to discover another bruise on my left front ankle!!!  Again, I have no idea why on earth that I have another bruise.

Hopefully the "Kitchen Audit" visit (to check on our hospital food suppliers) next Monday will leave me with no injuries.

"Fatal" Attraction

This incident got me fuming mad!

I was going up an escalator in Tampines Mall, and there was this couple ahead of me.  The guy was hugging his girlfriend but was looking at me.  Shortly after which, I heard a camera click, and his girlfriend turned to look at me.  I was still in my own world when she threw her dagger stares at me.

I was bewildered by her actions.  Now “what the hell” did I do? While they were fighting over his mobile, I saw it! Apparently her boyfriend took a picture of me, and she got angry!  She got even angrier when I politely ask him to delete that picture from his mobile phone!!!

HEY! Ain't I supposed to be the one angry over such incident?  He obviously did not ask me for any permission, and even if he did, I would have never agreed to such a request.

Also, if you cannot stand your boyfriend goggling at girls, or he has roving eyes even when you are with him, then for goodness sake, dump him! Lord knows what he will do when you are not around?  I am oblivious to my surrounding, I did not seek any attention, and neither did I flirt with him, nor am I scantily dressed to begin with.  So why am I made the victim of this incident?

Most girls just didn't notice what their beaus did behind their backs, yes literally, behind their backs when they were hugging together.  Guys are mostly visually inclined, and they tend to stray around with their eyes.  Sometimes, they got lucky and got a equally keen target.  But I am not like those girls, most of the times, I would just look away, or return a nasty glare at them when they smiled at me.  Just watch your man! Watch your back!

Dreadful July

July was a fast paced, and extremely stressful month.  A lot of fields trips, a lot of meetings, a lot on my plate that is beginning to pile up.  All those walking around has really caused some damage to my poor ankles, I need to ditch my heels for the time being, and to don on comfy flats.

Amidst of all the unhappiness, I did managed to have some fun though.  Did a movie marathon with my BFF, Anna, to catch "Monsters University" and "Despicable Me 2".  Love those cute minions, if only I have a bunch of them, every day will be filled with laughter and glee.

My company had 4 VIP tickets to "The Phantom of the Opera" on 20 July, and each ticket was worth $230.  Went with my boss and colleagues, the stage setting was spectacular, and our seats were close to the stage.  The show was sensational, and I can sense the wrath, and loneliness that the phantom was feeling.  As well said by William Shakespeare in "A Midsummer's Night Dream", the course of true love never did run smooth".  The game of love is always a gamble to take on, and ah well, I was made a loser!

The stress that I have been feeling since June did not go away, and it was heighten once again just at the end of July.  I am seriously tired but I will just have to keep moving on and alone, everything is freaking new to me, and it is really very different in all aspects.  I am cautious not to hire a job hopper, so I must at least remain in this industry for a year or two, so that my resume will look decent.  Hopefully I can pass through my probation by mid-Aug, and get ready for the "Hospital Management Asia 2013" in September.

Doctors are not exactly the nicest people around, not when you are working along with them.  My morning meeting with the most senior consultant tomorrow has been giving me nightmare since 2 nights ago.  I am in for trouble because my staff had mis-managed the allocation of the consultion rooms.  Arghhhh, please do not lower my confidence anymore.  Just the thought of it already frightens me... ...

Turbulence

Unhappy Me

It has been a not-so-fantastic June for me.

I have been filled with fear, and I must admit that I am beginning to see the vast difficulties ahead in this career path, and I pray for the wisdom and patience to see me through this.  Everything is so different: the industry setting, the environment, the terminologies used, the abilities of the staff under my care.  Yes, I call the shots, but now is STILL not the time yet.

All 5 divisions have different SOP, processes, and deals with different personnel in the hospital.  All 16 staff has different personalities, capabilities, and adaptability towards work.  I have to start making my assessment and decide on my next approach.

My direct superior has not been really helpful in mentoring me, and she probably is more than happy to offload this mess to me when I came onboard.  It is like swimming against the fast currents with a deflated small float.

My CEO has communicated great expectations, and keeps emphasizing that I am a smart and over-achiever individual, and that unhelpfully adds onto my stress level. He has assured me that I am doing fine, and should not be discouraged, for it has only been 6 weeks.  I have also noticed a trend… Ever since I came onboard, he has been recruiting employees with non-healthcare related experience.

I did thought of making an exit, and I am still contemplating about it.  But I really do not wish to be seen as a failure, and neither do I wish to make a premature decision. However, on the other hand, I should also consider leaving before wasting too much time in this industry.

The anxiety that I am feeling now has been magnifying at a considerable rate, my confidence is all time low now.  My top most priority now is to re-think my plans, and conceptualise my thoughts.  I just hope this doesn’t affect my sleep, and I need all the energy to see myself through over the next 2 months.

It’s gonna be a long month ahead in July!

Dead tired

This week has been a total madness, waking up early, rushing for early meeting, feeling dead beat by the time I hit the bed, and I just couldn't get to sleep.  I guess feeling stressful is normal, afterall there is still a lot of things waiting to be solved :(

First project has been tasked, and I need to look into the queuing process in the clinic, and of course to run this project smoothly.  I am already running into some difficulties with my planning, must look into refining it over this weekend.  2 interns from USA will be coming under my care on 10th June and will be helping me with this project, wow! I seriously need to plan their 2 weeks properly.

Although it has been a busy week, but I had rewarded myself with small retail therapy, bought a couple of new dresses, and feels wonderful with the new image that I am having.  Next week I will go on a shopping spree with my BFF, more dresses, more shoes, more beauty products... Yeahhhh!!!

I love June!

New start

I have embarked on a new career path, ventured into a new terrain on 15 May.  I have been patiently waiting for that day to come, totally filled with excitement while getting ready for it.

The past 1 week has been intensive, yet enriching.  My CEO did pre-empt me that the learning curve will be a very steep one, and true to his words, I am really caught in a whirlpool of madness. 

Before I can settle down into my role, or get to know everybody, the mock Joint Commission International (JCI) also started.  In fact, the mock JCI sent every staff in the hospital into a frenzy.  As for me, I was trying hard to grasp with the medical terms and procedures that are being used during the conversations, I was totally clueless about this JCI, but it got better as it goes by.  I can always easily relate back to the compliance policies in the Banking sector, for the basic underlying principles remain ceteris paribus.

Waking up at 5:30am is really a challenge, because all morning meetings start at 8am sharp. The past 7 working days were really filled with back-to-back meetings, I honestly don't really remember attending that many meetings all my life.  Furthermore, now that I am running the clinic operations, with staffs reporting directly to me... I can ill afford to turn up work sluggishly or late.

By the time I got to bed, I am so exhausted that I fell straight into Lala Land almost immediately.  No time for any facial mask at all :(

New beginning.  New challenges.  New lifestyle.  New image.  New networks.

L-plate Tai-Tai

While I was waiting to start my new job, I had the privileges of being a Tai-Tai for slightly more than a week. 

Day 1:  collected my contact lenses from Changi City Point, bought many boxes of facial masks, and stocked up my beauty products.  Will be writing a new review on them soon.

Day 2:  cleaned up my makeup box, vanity cabinet and my wardrobe.  Cleared away unwanted clothing, and washed my makeup brushes.  Still managed to find some time to shelve away my medicines and books.

Day 3:  tested my new bus route to work, and seen my specialist in the morning. Went Marina Square for a haircut in the noon, and at 5pm started queuing up for an hour at the newly opened dim sum restaurant in Plaza Singapura - Tim Ho Wan, the famous 1 Michelin Star dim sum restaurant from HK.  Verdict: Anna and me thinks that the food was so-so only, and their staff definitely needs to undergo some service courses.  I will not be going back again, unless I need not queue and it's on some one's tab.

4 hours in the salon was energy draining, I am now with bangs, which I regretted so much.  OMG! Anna is trying hard to convince me that I looked nice in it, but I simply hate what the mirror is showing me.  Plus, my S3 phone's battery life is pissing me off big time, I really need to get another spare battery.  I hope Day 4 will be a better day.

Day 4:  lazy day at home :)

Day 5:  started to read up individual profiles of my new team, and learning the SOP for the medical records team.  There is still a big ring file that I will have to obtain from the HR when I start work.  Well, always aim to be ahead of what is coming up, and always to be prepared for the worst.

Day 6:  Totally forgotten about my MT dentist appointment in the morning.  Spent an hour bleaching my white tops, and they are pristine white now :) Pre-Mother's Day celebration.

Day 7:  Moody Day :(

Day 8:  a trip to the Lasik Surgery Clinic at Orchard Paragon, as mummy needs to be tested if she is suitable for Lasik.  The test and consultation was so detailed that it lasted for more than 3 whole hours.  Anyway, she is not going ahead with the Lasik, for they cannot entirely correct her eyesight.

Day 9:  another lazy day at home.  Feeling anxiety setting in for tomorrow.  Planned my wardrobe for the following working days, matching them with shoes and accessories.

Yeahhhhh~~  I am ready to start my new adventure tomorrow :) I must be in bed by 10pm

Goodnight!

8 years 8 months

Today marks the end of my first job.  There are many things to be thankful of, through all the good and bad times, many opportunities were given to sharpen my skills and foresight.  Bosses did try their best to change my mind, a few baits were thrown in, but I was not tempted.

I have been delaying my departure, hence it was not a painful decision at all, but it was still heart wrenching to bade farewell to familiar faces, scenes and sights.  Thankfully those closest to me are all male colleagues, farewell lunch and well wishes, then off I go quietly, without getting teary... Shall greatly miss their jokes and presence, and their careful protection which shields me from malicious female gossipers. 

I am leaving behind tons of memories.  For the sake of a change in environment, personal development, health and my sanity, I have no reasons to hold me back. 

Most people remain clueless about my next job, those few who knew exclaimed about the drastic change (banking to health care), but I am excited about it, and this new industry does hold great attraction for me.  The new role that I will be taking up is much more challenging.  I certainly hope this new environment should be less competitive, and a much more meaningful industry.

Goodbye OC! Hello JH:)

Diminishing

I have been losing tons of weight recently, despite trying very hard to keep up with my meals, but I just do not have the appetite to finish them.  There are times when I will gorge myself silly, but there are times where I totally feel no hunger pangs after long hours of empty stomach.

Too many things has been weighing me down. 

Too many things have taken place within a week. 

The paths and decisions that I have made, my life has come through with a lot of self-sacrifices, worries and stress.  I would, of course, wish for a normal life, but since I am at it, I will shoulder it.

But I am glad that there is at least some changes to look forward to, one that channels my attention into something positive, for at least the next 3 months.  The past 11 months were awful: rumination, "supposedly" miscommunication, tears shed, heart wrenching sleepless nights, and of course, abandonment at it's best.

Thank you for making me a fool!  I can only despised myself further. 

If I do not have a lively and cheerful disposition, possess no positive Zen-qualities, bleak outlook in life, and practically not good enough; in short, nothing like your previous.  I have only myself to blame.

The fault is mine.  This pain I will bear unconditionally. 

The inescapable Rat Race

I have been clearing my leave and recuperating at home for this week. 

All was well until now... ... I am extremely disgusted with people's attempt to tamper with my work, and to discredit me further.  It is also unfortunately an oversight of mine, for not taking that additional step to prevent sabotage.

I was supposed to be doing some "audit checks" on a number of colleagues, and to provide closure on their behalf, something which translates to manipulating the outcome/score of the department customer experience.  I should have rejected upfront when I was first instructed to place that damn file into the common shared folder, it was not at all protected, and anyone can have access to amend the records inside.  I am now being "questioned", and I have provided the "unlawful" an avenue to commit more "crimes".

I should not have been so trusting.  I am the sole person-in-charge of this job, without a maker-checker system in place, this is surely an audit flaw.  I have already pointed that out previously, but I did not pursue any further to implement it.  Again, it's my fault!

This matter involves integrity, not just mine but everyone in the department.  It is very disheartening, when one's effort has been questioned.  I have always put in 110% effort in my tasks, and I did it with pride, just when I am about to leave this place, the dirty hands of office politics finally caught hold of me.

Of course, I have fellow colleagues who knew that I have been doing this diligently.  I am tired of all these nonsense, I had overcome so many years of back stabbing, and I came out clean!  I did not do my very best to foul-proof my work, if the results have been tampered, and I do not keep tab with the findings, then I jolly well deserved this outcome.  Lesson learnt!

Just last week, my department head mentioned about receiving a letter that was sent anonymously to her, a letter that provides a long list of "crimes" committed by our immediate supervisors.  My goodness, how childish can one be? 

Even if there is any element of truth, a letter without a sign-off would lacks the credibility.  My department head was extremely affected by this second "poisonous" letter, and sternly warned us that this will be regarded as a clear indication of insubordination.  Judging from the way she delivered her dagger stares, she clearly has 2 suspects in mind.  Such petty approach would only reflects the maturity of the author, and dampen any future prospects (if any).

My department is well known for its rumour-mongers, gossipers, and back stabbers.   Of course, this letter threw everyone in the department into an red alert mode.  We have new blood coming in to replace the older ones, it is necessary to stem out all negativity to ensure harmonious environment, and to retain capable staffs.

Conclusion:  It is a huge jungle out there, and many big cats are forever sharpening their deadly claws.  Even if I have been making a conscious effort to stay out of the fray, it is almost impossible not to be sucked into this whirlpool of madness.

"It's the strong who comes up on top, one must have power before others will reason with you." 

Of course, one must always exercise power with caution.  The power to change things should never be abused for personal gains.

Written in the scars

This song strikes a chord in my heart...

Infernal torment

For I cannot show, neither can I tell - the burning hatred of broken promises, big fat pacifying lies, pre-planned betrayal, disappearing acts, disappointments, anger and frustration just consumes me internally.

(Eminem - Love The Way You Lie featuring Rihanna)
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie"

Movie: La Luna

Well, I have been watching a couple of movies and bought a few books, mainly to keep myself occupied, after all an idle mind is a devil's workshop.

Writers and directors are brilliant communicators, using explicit and implicit expressions, to convey meanings and messages through books and films, allowing the audiences and readers to gain insights through another perspective. 

La Luna is a short animation clip that was created by Pixar (my favourite animation company), and it runs for only 6 minutes 15 seconds.  It tells a story about 3 generations of men - Grandpa, Son, and Boy.  Not a single dialogue was said, but the paternal affections and love for the boy was clearly felt.

The boy who is coming of age, was given a cap similar to what the men are wearing, and is induce into a new role - cleaning up the debris (lots of fallen shinning stars) on the Moon's surface.  On the moon, the boy then made decisions (which tool to use), and took on challenges that seem too "big" for him (taking on the huge star).  Once the job is done, they climbed back to their boat to admire the effects, and the moon is now a glowing crescent (it was full moon when the clip started, I seriously hope that they didn't take 2 weeks to just clean up the moon :D)

Sometimes, parents/elders must learn to trust their kids, to trust that they will be able to make sound decisions on their own.  Accept the fact that it is alright to fail at doing something, what matters is that lessons must be learnt at the end of the day.  This is often the stark difference between oriental and western parents - domineering vs democratic.

A short, and yet meaningful clip that is definitely worth recommending to all.  Geesh, I am craving for some "Honey Stars" morning cereals now *wiNk*

静思

印度伟大的龙树菩萨曾经说过:

“最大的敌人是我执，而不是他人”。

我执是轮回中所有问题与痛苦的来源。

哪一天放下了我执， 就能享受当下的清凉。

真能做到的，寥寥无几。满腹经文的，也不一定知索然。

刻意强求不执着，就已经是在 “浊”。

II est vivant? Je Me Tue!

I have just finished watching a French animation "Le Magasin des Suicidés" 《自杀专卖店》that was released in May 2012.   Was watching the original french version along with the chinese subtitles, which had been meaningfully translated. 

The story line was good, and one doesn't need to have a funny bone to appreciate the dark humor in it.  Seemingly depressing but has a positive message behind it.  Definitely one of the best adult animation that truly capture my full attention for 79 minutes, and it has given me some things to ponder through.

Especially love the finale song, and found a few lines that were endearing to my heart.

最后大合唱的歌词写道：

永别了过火行为，终于将自己释放
因此不会再痛苦，美好生活已开始

停止无用的抱怨，幸福需要被找到
留在死亡中永生，非快乐出自本心

Some background information:- The Suicide Shop is a 2012 French animated film directed by Patrice Leconte, and is based on Jean Teule's novel of the same name (Source: Wikipedia).

I need to buy this book!

放下。放开。放手。你能吗？

 感情就像手中的沙粒，

 

 

握紧了反而无法拥有；

 

放手了也不一定完全干净。

Jeff Chang 不要对他说

I am going to catch Jeff Chang's "空出来的时间" concert coming this March 2013. 

I never thought I would ever be tempted to watch 张信哲, for he is a good singer, but I am never a fan of his, as I simply can't relate to his “哲式情歌" when I was much younger. 

I even jeered at a school mate who had dedicated "信仰” for me.  Back then, I do not believe in love, and now I am sorry that I didn't hold onto my belief, so much for being a heart breaker - I am finally being punished. 

I will be going with a group of friends. I am sure it will be an enjoyable experience :)

非上上智，无了了心

6 个月。8 个月。

等待是为了证明她的信念，是为了求证他的心意，是为了否定一切的批判。

但信任和信念却无奈随着时间的流逝而瓦解。

他失信了！好一个不闻不问，不理不睬，无消无息，眼不见为净的策略。先是人间蒸发，再来个不了了之， 随缘？

她心碎了！赌上了一切，赔上流成河的眼泪，遍体凌伤的心，为的是一个（他）无法守住的约定，无法兑现的承诺。。。

Emo-in-progress

Spending a quiet Monday morning alone.

Just seen my doctor for a reconsultation, seems ok, thou I can feel her worries for me.

She sent me out of the clinic telling me,  'Jo,  that strong front is useless in the presence of those who cares.  Those who made you cry, or those who cannot take the weight of your tears, honestly do not love you at all'.

On the 6th day of 2013

Year 2013.  A new year. A new 359 days awaits.

What do I want?  What can I wish for?

I don't know... for I no longer dare to dream of anything possible.

A good sleep maybe...

Sleep till eternity perhaps.

For all those who has wounded me.  Thank you.

For all those great pretenders around me. You deserve an Oscar

For all those flowery deceiving lies that I believe in.  Go back to where you come from.