You know you are old... ... when your primary school classmates re-surfaced after eon years.
You know you are old... ... when all the bitter memories overwhelmed you when you try to recall them.
You know you are old... ... when you hope that the past mischiefs laid hidden in the closet.
I never really enjoy my first schooling experience: that painful period lasted a good whole 6 years. I was an awkward kid with lots of hidden secrets and heavy burdens. I was old for my age, and I was an outcast, be it socially or academically.
I was unhappy.
I know that it was never anyone's fault that I have been forced to grow up quickly. Because of that, I understand human behaviour much earlier than my peers, I lost faith in others, I learnt not to trust anyone, and I have my reservations towards all good happenings. I grew up ruminating in dark corners.
Kids are the most innocent beings, and they could be easily mould by adults. The stark contrast: I grew up pessimistically, while other grew up arrogant and confident. They were mean with their words, and I could still remember the exact words. That smirked face. That jeered tone.
To that classmate whom I remember as an accomplished B_tCh at a tender age of 10 years old;
Why am I inferior to you?
What gave you the rights to torment me with your arrogance?
Who the hell do you think you are to inflict me with such pain?
How dare you try to influence my peers to look at me the same way you did?
Just because I was poor, I was slow in learning, and I was ugly compared to you?
To that teacher whom I still can remember how the "snake brand power" smelled on her shrivelled hands;
Just because the whole class lost the fund-raising due to my meagre donation?
Just because my mother doesn't speak english?
Just because I am not as bootlicking as those kids who knows how to suck up at you?
You failed as a teacher.
I went to bed with quiet tears, and unspoken fears.
I grew up mis-understood.
All those years, my mother thought I was a problem child, rebellious and filled with anger. I was always screamed at for causing problems in school. I never told my mother the truth, for the truth will break her. I am the inconsiderate, bad daughter.
The past is back to haunt me, and I realised I had never let go... I just pretended all these never exist.
My wounds are hurting once more, those thorns that I had buried deep within me has tear through my flesh.
Just as I pray that work-life has resumed peacefulness, I was wrong. I had been through an eventful May, and a laborious June. With the temporary manpower allocation, I thought I can finally shift my focus back to managerial work for the month of July.
Yes, I am losing my precious sleep again.
When I finally gotten rid of a pest in May, the same breed started its infestation again. Never in my 5 years of managerial life have I seen someone so full of excuses, and full of lame dramas. To set the records right, I very much hated soap dramas, so could you please bring your props and stage elsewhere (thank you very much!).
Those who know me well, would have realised that I have no strong likes for anything but if I do expressed my utmost dislike, it must have irk me thoroughly.
Firstly, let's not confuse me as your surrogate mother. Much as I sympathise towards your plight, I am still your boss. I have exhausted my personal and corporate means to help you out, and I have run out of patience for you.
Secondly, this is my career that you are gambling with. Stop lying, and making up excuses to cover up for your tardiness! When you are paid with a salary, unexcused absences are just plain unacceptable.
Thirdly, I am angry with myself. (Damn it) I am in the midst of being upset with you, and yet I am still worried that you will commit suicide. Why must you put me through such a dilemma? For professionalism sake, I need to make a rational corporate decision, and yet I am bothered about your weak will to live.
At this moment, I recalled what my ex-boss told me "a professional must do what she must do, and not do what she feels like". I shall just do what I need to do then... ...
Deceased 1: 80 year old male, expired on 18 June
Deceased 2: 50 year old female, expired on 19 June
Deceased 3: 64 year old male, expired on 26 June
Deceased 2: 29 year old female, expired on 27 June
Deceased 4: 66 year old female, expired on 30 June
Deceased 5: 33 year old female, expiring...
Each of them had a story:- school principal, young medical student, a member of parliment in his native country, ex-sportsman. Some fought bravely against their disease for as long as 10 years, some fearful to make any decision and chosen to wither away. Some hang on hoping to get married and become a doctor eventually. While the others blame the consultants and the medical researchers for doing a shabby work.
Live life to the fullest. Face death courageously. Seriously, how many of us can do just that?
Today, I proudly announced to the world that I am no longer a PMT (Princess with Metal Teeth). I am now officially PwR (Princess with Retainers) for good, on 16 April 2014 at 12:35.
This is a huge milestone for me: the journey started since 7th July 2012; from the consultations with a dentist (removal of wisdom tooth) and an Orthodontics (the fixing of brackets). I have survived the 21 months by braving through the pain and discomfort.
Of course, I could have ended this torture 4 months back. But I wanted so badly to correct my front teeth mid line, hence my Orthodontics continued this journey patiently with me. Came last week when I realised that I really had no choice but to give up my pursue, because the next procedure seem unsafe and will eventually add more stress to my body. I was determined to proceed with the "metal screw" procedure: a metal screw is to be drilled into my bones, so that I can "pull" my front teeth to the left by another 1 to 2 mm.
However, this metal screw procedure only holds a 50% chance for success, it may not stay put in the bones, and I need to go through GA (General Anesthesia) for it. After consulting my primary doctor, and a few others, I have painfully decided not to proceed any further. Just like what my Orthodontics had said, "sometimes we just have to live with imperfection". He was kind enough to console me that empirical studies has shown that "only a difference of 4mm and above, then others will be able to observed the mid line is "off" the mark".
Anyway, I will have to wear my transparent retainer day and night, for 6 months. After which, I shall only wear them at night time for the rest of my life. Wearing retainers is something that I have to do religiously, if not my teeth may shift back to its original state, wasting the past 21 months' effort.
Oh well, April 16 is a day I shall remember :) Thank you, Dr. Henry Ho, for giving me something to smile for the rest of my life!
Heard this song when I was watching 'Despicable Me 2" in the theatre last year. Gru, the ex-super villain, was dancing to this song when he was basking in the air of love. It's kinda catchy and it grew on me. Took me awhile to find this song, and I super-like the lyrics. This song never fails to make me smile and I could get up from my seat and dance happily to it (Again, when no one is around me)
We each have our own definitions of "happiness", and envision them differently. Embrace that differences, and please do not insist on others to believe and to lead what you think is good for them.
Clap along with Pharrell Williams, and listen to the lyrics closely.
P.S. Make sure you enjoy the full 7 minutes ya *wiNk*
I have been listening to Sara Bareilles "Brave" for a while, and I find it very liberating for my troubled soul, well... it could be an overstatement, probably a song to cheer me up, a sing-along song, something to walk me out of my tangled moments at work.
I could just stand up in my office, twirl and turn, with my hands up, of course with no one around. I like the way how the uplifting lyrics speaks to me, sometimes holding back my tongue and my thoughts does not do me any justice. I hate the aggressive passiveness in me. I guess it's really to strike a balance, I would rather pain myself than to be blantly truthful, which might hurt others.
Well, this song is for you, enjoy :)
In case you wanna sing along to it, here are the lyrics;
You can be amazing You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug You can be the outcast Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do When they settle ‘neath your skin Kept on the inside and no sunlight Sometimes a shadow wins But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just want to see you (x3) I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you (x3) I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there, Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy Fallen for the fear And done some disappearing, Bow down to the mighty Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live Maybe one of these days you can let the light in Show me how big your brave is
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
And since your history of silence Won’t do you any good, Did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty Why don’t you tell them the truth?
Say what you wanna say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave With what you want to say And let the words fall out Honestly I wanna see you be brave
I just wanna see you (x3) I wanna see you be brave
I have been swarmed by work, and still in the midst of the whirlpool.
Endless negotiation of contracts, and more to come.... Endless meetings and work group discussions to attend..... Endless fire fighting in the clinic.... Endless power struggle within staff to manage....
I have requested to re-organise my portfolio, committing my first career suicide in this organisation (Yes I did that! I still didn't believe that I did thou), because I wanted to concentrate on the big project that is coming my way. Nevertheless, I got it my way. After April, I should have a better life ahead I hope, and I really have to make it work.
Haven't been sleeping well, not eating well either. The amount of stress that I have been feeling has found its way up to my shoulders, and I have been experiencing painful headaches throughout the day, and even into the night, affecting my quality of sleep. I have been trying to replenish my sleep during the weekends, but always ended up waking with a pounding headache.
The month of March will be another tension filled month. Endurance will be put to test.
Yes, that is how I have been feeling… I have been gorging myself silly since reunion dinner. I can feel my tummy bulging *sObz* and yet I still persisted in eating tidbits, crackers, pineapple tarts and egg rolls nonstop. It’s like trying to fill up an empty hole, or I have a black hole in my tummy *gasps* This guilt is killing me…
Looking at the rate I was binging the past 2 weeks, I expect my weighting machine to officially explode within the next one week. Then my muffin top aka love handles will become permanent resident, my tummy will bulge, my face will become chubby… and I will look hideous *shriEks*
Just yesterday, I am in my magenta dress, its figure hugging, and I truly felt like a barrel *siGh*. I am in a reluctant state to wear those dresses that I bought just last month. What have I done to myself? Just 14 days of festive season, and I am a gonner... I shall resist ALL temptations, and sleep more, eat less, walk more, drink more water.
If by end Feb, I am still bloated and heavy with my muffin top, then I will seek to detox my system. System Reboot!
