Social Withdrawal

I have long suspected that Autism Disorders can be inherited, or it could be influenced by external factors, but I am not sure whether this has been medically proven though.

Somehow, the thought of starting a new year stirs the same anxiety again. I am not so worried about getting old (which is not entirely the truth), but rather I am worried about not doing enough. But how much is enough? How much can I offer?

I am feeling a part of me dying away, no matter how much I try to hold onto it, it's slipping away...

I have fallen into a dark cold sea, I am not brave enough, and I wanted to give up breathing...

I am tired... but I guess I will have to press on for awhile more...

Bungy Jumping

Heard this song last week, kept having the chorus repeating in my mind... "try to reach out to you, touch my hand, reach out as far as you can"... This reminds me of a dream I had...

I always have this dream of me dropping off from a high building, a cliff, sometimes a ladder, or roll off the stairs. It is a feeling so real that even when I wake up in shock, I can still feel myself stepping into nothing, the free fall sensation, not to mention my heart pumps painfully fast.

I used to hear some old grandmother stories when I was young, they said that when a child experience such a dream, the jerking sensation represents that the child is gaining height. But judging from my height *siGh*, and I still get such a dream once in a while (maybe once every year), I seriously doubt it has anything to do with growing taller. Anyway, in any case, I can always wear heels to compensate for my lack of height.

I always wonder if anyone can stop this fall from happening (in my dreams, of course), it would be nice to have someone to reach out & say (not sing) the chorus, but dreams will always be dreams. I want peaceful nights from now on.

Foolish Dreams

Read it in a magazine some donkey years ago, that a woman is most confident in her thirties, as she has been through love and pain, has a career and a mind of her own.

I was looking forward to it (No! I'm not crazy, coz I was real young back then, thirties seems a long way to go). I always picture myself as a successful career woman, one that is confident and of course, unbeatable.

Having being defeated by life itself, looking back to all those dreams that I had painted, sadly none came true. I should have known that I am not a favourite candidate of life, and wake up from that foolish dream.

Now, I could never fathom why on earth would an aging woman be confident about herself. Career, social status, beauty, fame, health, family and friends are not here to stay. Men can always retain their market value, but sadly women somehow depreciates faster than Thai Bahts.

One can argue that it is a pessimistic view, but you can't changed it anyhow.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Another lazy Saturday afternoon at home.

I don't seem to have much interest in anything recently, just going along with the flow. Truth be told, a lot of things don't seem to go according to plans. Although I hate the feeling of losing control over things, but I simply just have to learn to let go...

Inside my sanctuary, I know that I have to slow down and stop being a maniac. But when I step right back into reality, I just can't stop myself. Time waits for no one, what will happen if I fail to keep up with the momentum that I have been pacing myself.

Is it age that is catching up on me? Or did my greatest fear finally come knocking on my door? Are there missing pieces waiting to be found? Ironically only time will tell... ...

Can I really do this?

Well, it has been awhile, in fact a long, long time since my last entry.

I have been madly busy, coping with work, family, health, and now studies... I did thought of letting go of blogging entirely, but I guess this still holds some attraction for me; a private outlet for my anger, fustrations, defeats and uncertainities.

Anyway, I shall try to update more often, and recap the happenings previously (if I have the time). Afterall, one must be forward looking right? No point dwelling in the past. Sometimes I regret wasting time and energy ruminating on meaningless issues. God knows, how much unhappiness that I had hidden within me the past 3 decades.

I shall put forth my faith, aim to let go when necessary, learn to laugh at my mistakes, and learn to forget hurt.

Just like everyone, I have strengths and weaknesses that are uniquely mine. With every step that I take ahead, no more will I look back and regret.

Nostalgia

Met up with my 2 JC babes today. The very first reunion for the trio in 6 years, so much to say, so much to reminiscence, and yet it felt just like yesterday when we are still donning our JC uniforms, and bumping into each other along the corridors & canteen.

Who would have believed that we lost touch for 6 whole years?

I figured out what I sorely missed: their companionship. They have unconditionally accept my imperfections and insecurities. Working in a competitive and fast-paced environment, office politics and strict regulations makes me forget to appreciate the beauty of "slow". While most people judge others by what they wear and carry, they spend quality time with me, and teach me the meaning of a simple life.

Makes me wonder, how much have I "dirtied"myself? All these years, my wish list becomes increasingly hard to fulfil, I have become so self demanding that even my mum could not fathom.

Hey gal, resolution for the 2nd half of Year 2010:- Slow down, take it easy, breathe in fresh air, and most importantly, learn to let go... ...

Back In Action

Hello hello, I'm back! Super long disappearance from this little space of mine. I miss this little piece of me, have been dying to get back to blogging.

Plenty of things happened since my last post:- a change in job role, a change in hair length, a tweak in mentality, a brand new direction, a fresh surge of unhappiness.

Somehow I knew my chances for a promotion were high this year, after all I did fare better than the previous year. I'm a down-to-earth person, where I always believe in doing the best and to wait for the opportunities to come, however I am also fully aware that sometimes I may never get to hear that knock on my door too.

Things just changed almost instantaneously, a 180 degree change in colleagues' behaviour. Well, that I can fathom as their fears finally turn into a reality. Face it, even if this didn't happen, they will still be the eventual losers. Expected heavier responsibility includes managing a team, that is a challenge, for it takes more than just having people's skills, its a whole new set of management skills to be developed. I'm getting the hang of it, and in due course, I will emerge strongly than before.

On 10th April, 3/4 of my hair was axed off. My hairstylist, Catherine, was shocked at my request, because I have been wanting to princess curl my hair. But I hate that haggard reflection in the mirror, so I thought let's freshen up that listless look, restless mood with a new look. Geesh, come to think of it, I have no new pictures to show you yet. Shall try to upload ya =)

Since April till now, speed tripled with the increase of challenges, unknowingly I have invited a new source of pressure into my life. I am indeed a true blue Sagittarius, I hate being tied down. I have a strong ally at work, but she has a nature of an octopus, and her tentacles suffocates me. Not that I'm no good in my work that requires her special attention. But I have the "privilege" of being her PA, at her beck and call. Any non-working hours are my personal time, however her calls never seems to stop, her heavy relying starts weighting me down.'

Today is the start of my leave, will only be back in the office on July '2010. I need a break from her. But in the wee morning today, I was enlightened by an harsh soul, his perspective of my woes is entirely different, "if you cannot manage your boss, how can you manage a team?". That gave me a awakening slap! *oUch*

Indeed, I felt bitter hearing his remarks, but deep inside I know it does make sense. No one can put shackles on me, there are always choices out there. If I have no means to influence uncontrollable factors, at least I have the ability to control my inner self. Easier said than done, but I am willing to try.