Jaded

Once in a while, I do get depression attacks.  In fact, little people knows that I actually suffered from depression more than a decade ago.  Sometimes nasty things just fell upon you, and you are left to cope with it alone.  Probably that is just a natural phase of growing up.  For me, I just have to accept the fact that I am tasked to shoulder more than normal individuals, no matter in which phases of life.

Looking back, life is just about conforming to social roles, living up to parents' expectations, going through the common stages just like everyone else.  So what happens when you start questioning your inner self?  Everything just dissolves into nothing, and you hear a small despair voice saying "nothing is real, just illusions!" 

Do I really wanted to be the person I am today?  I am so unsure whether is this the person that I wanted to be.  I am uncertain... My friends believed that I am a good natured girl, but I have a fiery temper hidden within me.  Will they still love me when they see the real me?  Or is there even a real me at all?

I believed she loves me (still), and not willing to let go (yet), but her love is too toxic for me, always in the name of protecting me, she has taught me to be wary, be suspicious of human nature, to visualise the every possible worst outcome in every situations.  She has locked me in a tower of hatred, fear and unhappiness, telling me the treacherousness outside the tower.  I had been a quietly rebellious child, a troubled teenager, a silent adolescent, and a lonely workaholic adult. 

Now that the spell has been broken.  I looked deep inside, and there is no ounce of sunshine left in me.  I need to lift those heavy binds, clean up the dusty windows to let in the sun.  

I need to rebuild that faith.

Jad-ed: worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.