Mirror mirror, tell me a lie

I have many fears and phobias, in fact too many to name, yes (i admit) I'm a scary cat!

Unlike girls and ladies of all ages, I'm suffering from Spectrophobia - a fear of mirrors and one's own reflections. Must be those scary movies which i watched when i was young, where reflection was actually left behind in the mirror long after the person is gone. I'm comfortable only with objects that reflect my image without any colour. Don't ask me why.

I avoid mirrors and cameras at all cost. I look awful on photos, those stupid pictures magnified my (FAT!) chubby face, zoomed into my flaws (pimply zombie complexion), and it really add ages to my already old and sagging face. Trust me, this phobia runs in the family, across generations, none of us loves to take pictures.

Tell me, how stupid is it to smile at that tiny weeny rectangular box, how can i be natural when i know that the camera doesn't love me? Stop telling me to loosen up and think happy thoughts, I simply can't think straight when a camera is within 5 metres radius from my comfort zone. It's absolute hatred between me and camera, it failed to capture the truth about others, and it generously exposes my faults.

Last week, i nearly fainted when i received an (super duper scary) edict. Just when i barely recovered from the previous one, this latest one resulted in rapid heart palpitation for almost half a day. My heart is of a smaller built-in, irregular heart beats always makes me see "stars".

Oh my goodness! Arghhh, I'm breaking out in cold sweats now... ...

Entertainment on the go

Today, I swopped my black PSP (bought in December 2008) for a red PSP. The black one was super un-hackable and un-modifiable.

I'm a non-serious gamer, yes you heard me right, I'm not a serious gamer, so what the hell do i want a PSP for? Well, at first i wanted something that provides me audio and visual entertainment on the go.

I started playing "Maplestory" in Year 2007, but sadly it doesn't keep me occupied for long. Then i took on a new game "Audition", again it does nothing to maintain my interest as well. It's been a year since i last logged in to both games.

This new PSP is full of different genres of games, but most of the games (i.e. wrestling, mahjong, shooting) doesn't interest me much. However, it is a source of comfort when i need to de-stress, you can easily find me hiding in Starbucks with my favourite "Blackcurrant Raspberry Blended Drink", gaming away to divert my mind away from work during lunch time.

Since the hefty investment has been made, and there are already some scratches at the back. That goes to show that I haven't been shelving it. Hopefully it doesn't become obsolete to me that soon.

Candidacy for politics

No chance for a breather until today, well you see, I'm on 3 days leave! *yeah*

Too little time everyday and yet so much unhappiness.

Strangely how people always keep themselves busy to stop remembering those unpleasant incidents. Isn't this a kind of self-denial behaviour? Maybe it works temporarily, but is it good to shelve those negative feelings, and not address it properly?

Many kind souls out there chosen to swallow their grievousness, so as to avoid any unnecessary conflicts with others, but this accumulated negative emotions will also turn inwards and exploded in within.

Why are we giving in to bullies? Why must the bullies, again and again, taking advantage of our good natured character? Just because we embrace peace and harmony, doesn't mean you have the privilege to drive us up the wall!

Last month was a miserable month at workplace. In fact, I'm still suffering from unreasonable tantrums, unjustifiable behaviours and stares from "someone".

"Someone" is throwing her weight around coz she's on close term with my boss's lieutenant, who is again actually "Nobody". Let's set the record straight, I was on friendly terms with "Somebody" until recently, that's when i decided i could no longer tolerate her inhumane threats and her hostile criticism towards my fellow colleague.

Just because she has found her resting place to rot, and has been surviving on her limited abilities for the last decade, how can she expect people to stall their progression? I had enough of her threats, just because she's a "supervisor", doesn't mean I'm subjected to her nonsense. She wanted me to drop out from a project "bestowed" by the top management, and told me right in the face that if i insist to go ahead, then i cannot take any MC. What a tall order to fulfill!

When being exposed of her deeds, "Someone" offered fanciful explanations to the top management. She came back with her stony black face (think bloated black toad), and has been unhappy with me since then. Stop hiding behind those deceitful lies. Her deeds speak for themselves.

Of course my ill feelings towards her didn't just happen. I have been tolerating and such anger has been accumulating for years. Just 2 days back, she raised her voice to whoever interested to hear, "You on leave AGAIN!!!", damn you lah (I'm not going to mind my language on such LC creature). My fellow colleague can vouch for me that i haven't been going on leave.

I really see no point in working along with her. I'm not going to give in this time, it's just one time too many, why should i be considerate to someone who has been tactless with my feelings?

Chilling out

Met up with LF 2 days ago. This time we went Bugis Junction. Went to Fancl and The FaceShop to stock up on my usual beauty products.

We nearly call off the dinner, because LF wasn't feeling well in the morning. By the time we reached the restaurant for our dinner, we embarked on a mission:- "Fall Sick Campaign", the food we ordered are not "throat friendly", as we gorged on, it became obvious that she accomplished the mission, while i failed miserably (Note: she was on MC the next 2 days).

For some reasons, we always didn't manage to fulfill our wish to take Neo-prints together. Yes, u heard me right, Neo-prints! Relive my Pre-U days, those kawaii neo print stickers, but gosh, i think i misplaced them. Never mind it will come out someday just when i least expected it. (i will be uploading the neo-prints when my scanner is up, i think the cable was somehow detached by my itchy hands)

As usual, we always end our gathering on a high note, and our friendship must be celebrated with our favourite dessert. Each took 3 scoopful of sinful ice cream! I'm an ice queen, gimme anything cold & i will slurp it up instantly! Warning: Do not blow hot and cold at me. I'll bite! *muahaha*

Time just flies when you are in the right company =)

Breathe easy

Hey folks, gotten an sms from TTSH yesterday evening, was informed that my CT throax scan was cleared, and no tumors seen. Three Cheers and Three Cheers and Three Cheers for ME!

Didn't sleep well ever since i know that i need to go through more tests, so many times my faith was shaken. Anyway, i had a good sleep last night.

Received a call from TTSH early this morning, Sister Tan re-confirmed that piece of good news with me. Well i can breathe slightly easy for the time being.

Additional updates:

The very first few hours (on 08/06/2009) after the CT scan. Notice the swell on my left hand (top right), it was painfully unbearable, and i couldn't lift my hand up the very next day, but i got no choice but to continue working.

(Bottom) This was taken 8 days (16-06-09) after the scan. Even as i update this today (21-06-09), the needle hole is still very much visible, and it still hurts abit when i accidentally brush across something hard. Do they have to use such a BIG needle???? *roll eyeballs*

Say Cheese

What is CT scan (Computed Tomography)? It provides an accurate diagnosis of scans of internal organs, bone, soft tissue and blood vessels, also provide greater clarity and reveal more details than regular x-ray exams.

I barely slept last night. Woke up feeling extremely unhappy. How exciting can it be to take a 3D imaging of my upper torso? Said my prayers before making my way down to TTSH.

Prior to the dreadful procedure, I changed into the brown gown given to me. There was a painful prick when the needle was forced into my vein. An intravenous contrast material (colour dye) was used, I have this warm, flushed sensation during the injection of the contrast dye, and a metallic taste formed in my mouth that lasted for a few minutes.

I was lying flat on my back, then slowly and smoothly slided into the X-ray circle, special lights were used to ensure that I'm properly positioned. During the "scanning" session, I heard slight buzzing, clicking and whirring sounds as the CT scanner revolves around me. I was alone in the examination room during the CT scan, the radiologist "safely" kept out from the radiation, could however, see, hear and speak to me in the other room.

I found the procedure stressful, my heart was perpetually in my mouth, firstly I was worried sick about the result findings, and secondly I'm claustrophobic. Mine was a CT thorax (for chest), took only 5 minutes. Will only know the result findings in a couple of days, how am i gonna get through the next few days? Oh my god!

Verdict: CT scan are painless, fast and easy, but probably the need to lie still for several minutes may cause some discomfort. Expensive, cost me $517.80 just to lie on that high technology bed.

Risks:

1) The effective radiation dose from this procedure is about the same as the average person receives from background radiation in three to five years. Super tired after the procedure, must be due to the effect of the radiation.

2) There is always a slight chance of cancer from excessive exposure to radiation. Well, how irony, in the midst of determining any cancerous growth within me, and in exchange the possibility of cancer due to radiation.

Smoke gets in my eyes

Went for my medical consultation yesterday afternoon, my blood glucose level (blood sugar) increased to 9.5, which came as a shock to me, because my usual level is below 6.0. For diabetic patients, blood glucose level ranges between 9.0 to 12.0 .

But my colleague highlighted that since i had Nasi Lemak for lunch (before the check up), the coconut milk content may be the main culprit. Well, I'm praying hard. I remembered drinking Bandung prior to my last consultation, and my blood glucose level also shot above 9.0. For my next consultation on 24/06/2009, Dr Tan arranged a morning appointment, no breakfast before i see her, so that she can have an accurate reading. I do not wish to become diabetic because of my Steroid dosage *cross fingers*

Another rude shock came when her senior consultant suggested a CT scan (Computed Tomography) to re-confirm my illness has no relation to any tumor growth. At that moment, my world came crashing down! Those X-rays, MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging), Mammogram, colon and stomach scope (gastroscope) that i had taken before, doesn't show any growth. If there is "something" growing inside, there will be a further need to test whether is it benign or malignant... ... God, haven't you heard my prayers yet?

Dr Tan's consolation to me is that if it's a cancerous tumor, current medication (that I'm having now) would not have work, and if there is really any tumor presence, it would be very small because it's undetectable on X-rays. As if that helps?

The good news is my Steroid dosage will be reduced further, from 1 tablet (5MG) daily to 3 times per week. Initally i was on 60MG on 01/03/2009, and it took 3 months of gradual reduction to present stage, hopefully i can safely get rid of this poisonous medicine forever.

On my cab journey back to the office, my mind was in a mess. Finally broke down when my colleagues asked me for updates. Life is so meaningless, here i am trying hard to make a honest living, doing nobody any harm, dutifully fulfilling my social roles, and yet my faith and inner strength has been continuously put through tests. There is only so much i can bear with, at times i felt so lonely, although i know i am constantly surrounded by my family and friends who loves me, but i truly felt like a stranded fighter.

The CT scan is scheduled on this coming Monday afternoon (08/06/09). I hope this will be the last procedure, i doubt i can take anymore of such tests.